I’ve gone through this site a bit.
I decided to join because it looks like there’s some hints of people succeeding.
I’ve never managed to complete an exit. I’ve tried to overdose, and hang myself, but somewhere along the way I get scared- I text someone I know in the back of my mind will come, or call someone who will. Someone who will talk me out of it and take care of me for a while.
Last time I overdosed I was  stuck in kid mode. For a month my boyfriend got me dressed in the morning, made me eat breakfast, walked me to my lectures to make sure I went, picked me up, brought me home and made sure I had dinner. He’d put on a kid movie because I wasn’t able to handle any movie more complex without crying. Even some of the kids films made me cry. I’d have killed myself long ago if I were Quasi-Modo. But I suppose Catholics aren’t so big on suicide.
I slipped out of kid mode, mostly. I still struggle with getting up, but I mostly have to do it on my own. I struggle with waiting for the bus to work. If the bus stop wasn’t so near the junction and the cars weren’t so slow I’d consider jumping in front of trucks. Even just the bus. I still can’t really cope with many ‘adult’ movies. Suicides on screen made me jealous. I wish deep down for killers to come to life and end me.
But, like I said, I’m a coward. I chicken out and try deal with myself best as possible, or with someone’s help- always someone who wont tell my parents or my best friend, because I couldn’t handle that guilt.
I’ve seen a lot of helpful posts about how to successfully kill yourself, and I quite like the idea of some of them, they sound quite peaceful- I saw a suggestion of an exit bag, and another of taking a lot of sleeping pills, weighting yourself and then holding a lilo in water until you fall asleep, sink and drown. I quite like that. The idea of being unconscious before anything even happens.
But like I already said, I’m a coward. And I always chicken out because I don’t want to deal with my family and friends if it all goes too horribly wrong. I hate being told off more than anything.
Does anyone actually have any advice on how to get the grapes to actually go through with it?
Lullaby.
4 comments
i think if you’re afraid then you’re not ready yet
if there’s something in the back of your mind reaching for help, then you’ve still got some fight left
no advice for getting over that though, sorry
<3
Thankyou anyway.
I suppose I do believe I want to live, in a sense, but only if I can change myself.
And to be honest, I’m too childish, too scared and too lazy to change. My main issues with myself is that I’m generally pathetic. I’m always the dumb one pretending to be smart- didn’t get into universities as good as my peers. Constantly struggling with my weight, but even if I didn’t struggle with weight, I’m still ugly. But above all, I’m pathetic. I crave love, and give sex, money, alcohol, support to anyone in return for the illusion of being loved in return. But I know when someone more worthwhile is around, I’ll be forgotten. Like I am right now.
Your time is not now. that is a good thing. you aren’t chickening out, you are weighing your options. I’ve called myself a coward for years for not following through my desire for death. but as I’ve drawn closer to serious consideration, I realized it was not cowardice but a realization of what dying really is. it wasn’t worth the pain I knew I would leave behind. i knew I could still suffer for the sake of those I loved, which proved that I could still love, even if it was in a sick way.
you can still love. you are still reaching for help. keep loving, keep reaching. The only lazy ones are the bastards using you for support. they need to get off their ass and make room for someone who will treat you right.
I suppose I don’t believe someone who will ‘treat me right’ as you say would have the patience. I’m aware that I can be emotionally exhausting and unbearable.
While I’ve calmed down since this post the other night, I don’t think I’m over the idea that a majority of why I haven’t gone through with suicide is because I’m too scared to make the push.