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Messing up blessings and degrading happiness

by sadthinking

In both cases, I have many secrets.  Many told and twisted, others kept in shame.  I could make this post very long and quite wordy; however, I will leave out as much shame as necessary.  First off, everything in my life seems perfect.  Too perfect. I have a great husband, great dogs, house paid off, little debt, and all of the other “blessings” we all find in this world.  We live a quite normal life, as much as we can anyways.  But, I am still sad..all of the time.  Over and over, I think about how much I should not be sad, should know my blessings and should be appreciative.  On to the background and strings that weave this perfect life.

I have been married twice. To the same man.  My mistake again. Not the marriage, but rather the causing of a divorce and remarriage.  I am young, not older by any means and am happy to say I was given a second chance… But am I?  Mistake.. I cheated.  A lot.  Not happy about it in the least, who would be after such a catastrophe?  I made more mistakes.  I am not a nice person.  Even  after the husband took me back, I am still not nice.  Yes, I am being faithful; however, I do not always speak kind and most of my days are not filled with happy words towards my forgiving husband.  I regret most of everything I say, to him and others.    He is the kindest, gentlest, most honest, and forgiving-filled individual I have ever met.  Everyone loves him and everyone believes he is very nice.  He is.  Too nice.  I, on the other hand, try- I do… I try to control my silly words and make his days better.  Sadly enough, this does not happen.

I wish I could list all of my mistakes, but I cannot.  Your eyes would get heavy before I was even close to finished and you would not want to continue.  I will post my most recent sad thinking and lead from there I suppose.  I could elaborate on how my heart fights with the fact of Christianity on a daily basis, but this too would be a very long topic and most I find would not be interested.

Now, to give one more knot in the deal.  I just recently found out I am pregnant.  No, my emotions are not being controlled due to this little one, as I can honestly say; I have dealt with these emotions prior to pregnancy..often.  I do not want to feel to be a selfish person, but I am.  I try to help others, but rather say things that are not helpful.  I try to be kind, but say things that are not.  Mistakes from my past float in my mind every day….  which brings me to the most horrible thought I could ever think of.  Why do I get a blessing as a beautiful baby, when all I have ever done is screw the blessings away?  I will not be a good mother, not in terms of being scared, but why would anyone want a baby to be around someone that is depressed and has a mean conscious.  My husband is the happiest man on the earth and has wanted a baby for the past few years.  I did too.  I was initially happy, but then thought of how I am.  It is sad, but…this little blessing is much better off without me.

 

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4 comments

fallenangel7 10/16/2012 - 11:09 pm

don’t be so rash, once you see your child it will be pretty hard to leave it. it needs a mother figure

thefraz 10/16/2012 - 11:12 pm

Your child will be better with a mother and father that loves and cares about him/her, losing a parent at a young age is difficult for the child and the parent. Both will always have you in their minds and blame themselves or each other for what they could’ve done.
Your husband is a good person who will always be there for you and your family, it will be difficult for you, but try talking to him about how you are feeling and be honest. Make your post more wordy next time, really say whatever you want to.
Also, what sort of dogs do you have?

Black Swan 10/16/2012 - 11:14 pm

I swear to you I’d prefer to be like you and not the all loving stupid person that I am. Every man I’ve met a one point has lost interest from be being to giving. Just like you probably have for your husband? I have come to the conclusion that that who gives more ends up losing. Instead, the one that puts themselves first will always forever be adored. I wish i could be like you. That attitude drives men insane. It’s a horrible anti-logical reality but it is what it is. Be happy you are that way. It’s because you are the way you are that he loved you so desperately. Perhaps if you were the one you claim you should be he wouldn’t feel that way. I swear! I’ve observed and experienced this truth about human beings and relationships. Selfish people will be more appreciated than those who give it “all”. Don’t feel about the past cause he forgave you. Who knows, some people grow even more obsessed and in love when these things happen. He’s happy with you just the way you are and is at peace with the past.
As far as your baby goes, you have no grounds to assure that you’ll be a bad mother when you haven’t even experienced motherhood. It’s a tripe of love that I guess you’ll only understand when it comes. Hope you feel better anyway, cause I know depression holds no distinction of circumstances.

fallenangel7 10/17/2012 - 12:18 am

your wrong though you are a loving caring mom already you want your child to be innocent and pure and happy, motherhood is something you step into and be read out of a book

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