My Story .. so far

well, hi my name is Pia and i’m 14. It’s my first time that I write down .. my “stuff”.  so I will just start how everything began.

i started first time cutting myself in 2009 i think, i wasn’t that long ago that my grandpa died. my mom changed, or i changed. i dont know. anyways my mom and me got big stress, i told her the first time that i hate her and i got the first time the feeling that i don’t belong here. I cut myself the first time. 

From now on, i cut myself everytime when i got problems. When i cried i thought about cutting. The relationship with my mom broke. I told her several times that i hate her. And I’m disappointed my dad.

Then i met my first love, and like everything in my life, it was/is complicated. Because he lives far away, over 6000 km and i knew him only over facebook. I video chatted with him, i was happy, i didn’t thought about cutting. Then we got our first fight, and he closed his account. He came back after a few days with the words that he couldn’t forget me, in that time he wasn’t here i never felt so left alone. I cut myself again.  We wanted to try it again, and went in a relationship again.

This things should repeat for 4 times.

And everytime he said that it was my guilt that we broke up, i apologized for 4 times. And i cut again, everytime when i apologized a little bit deeper. And i swear everytime when we broke up it wasn’t my guilt. but i loved him (and i’m still not sure if i still do) so after the last time we broke up, and i apologized i went back to him. and now he broke up again. and i’m ready to forgive him again because … this stupid thing called love. and i know it won’t be good for me. i cut myself again. Not a long time ago. 13 new scars.

I went to poeple who were supposed to help me. They didn’t. They said i’m suicidal. I have suicide thought, everytime. I’m afraid i will do it one time. I still got some friends. And i love them. They help me. But .. you know. I cry myself to sleep. I don’t really sleep.  I’m afraid to dream.

And i know this is not the end. And right now, i don’t get the hope and the faith to go on. And my main problem is the love which is actually suppossed to make people happy.  I feel like i don’t belong here. I don’t want to be here. And death seems so often, so beautiful.