I’m so sick of people acting like they know me…. They don’t. They think they do but they don’t. And I really just need someone to know my story. Sometimes it’s comferting knowing someone has your story.
It started when I was 4…. my parents got divorced. When I was 5 my dog died… no big deal right? Wrong. I was 5, my dog was my best friend. When I was in 2nd grade me and my mom moved to Tennessee over the summer. I thought we were just staying for the summer. No. We were moving… To get away from my dad. Since the divorce my parents have been fighting for custody. I went months without seeing my dad. While we were on “vacation” my mom tried looking for a job. She told me she had a job interview and would be back around 2…. My mom is NEVER late for anything…. shes normally early. It was 5. I asked my grandma where my mom was and why she wasnt home. She told me that morning my mom woke me up that morning and said she was going to Florida. I didn’t remeber that….
I had 6 weeks left at my grandparents. I hadn’t been seperated from my mom in years. I couldn’t sleep. I didn’t sleep. It took 4 weeks for me to finally get a couple hours of sleep everynight. When 6 weeks was up my dad came and got me. I stayed with him. I always asked where my mom was and why i could only talk to her on the phone…. They both ignored me… Nobody would answer my question. After what seemed like forever they finally told me…. My mom had been arrested. I cried for 9 hours…..The first couple times I went to see her were hard…. I would cry when I had to leave. My dad bailed her out for 9 months. He thought staying with us would be a good idea. He was wrong. Every morning my parents would constantly scream at eachother. I would go to the bathroom and cry. After the 9 months I was almost 10…. My best friends dad was… weird. He would always walk in on her when she was taking a shower, and make us get dressed in front of him…. He would always touch me in wierd places. I never told anyone I was scared. One night we fell asleep in the living room. He picked me up and layed me on her bed…. He started to undress me. I pretended to be asleep. I was so scared. He raped me. I layed in her bed until the morning crying. I didn’t know what to do. The next morning he acted like nothing happened. And so did I. I never told anyone. I was about 10 now… And my dad… got strict. He would abuse me, not just physically but mentally. Then when I was 11 I met this kid. I was over at my friends house one night. And she was on the phone with her friend, he was with her friend. Me and him started to talk. He sent me a picture andÂ thought he was cute, he was 15 I was 11. My friend told me to lie and say I was 14… So I did. He asked for a picture so we went online. We found one that looked exactly like my sister so we sent it to him. He called me beautiful and stuff, and soon talking to him became a daily thing… We were suppose to go meet him and her friend. I told him I looked way different in person. He told me he didn’t care, that he loved me anyways. We never met up with them and I was on the phone with his friend and heard him say in the background, She’s just another stupid whore like the rest, I started balling. We stopped talking about a month after that. Just before that I started to get bullied. I got called ugly, 4-eyes, boy, etc… I started to cut myself I got bullied and made fun of for 3 years. I cried myself to sleep every night. Then I met this kid…. I really liked him… I loved him. He lead me on… 12 times. Then finally told me he never really loved me. Last year I was told everyday for 3 months by this girl…. “You’re just a worthless whore. You’re ugly and nobody likes you. All your “friends” only talk to you because they feel sorry for you. No one likes you. You’re a fat and ugly worthless piece of shit whore. Go kill yourslef. Nobody will miss you a gurantee.” I cut myself everyday… No body knew. Not even my best friend. Life was so hard I just wanted it to end. So I tried… I tried to kill myself.. My bestfriend saved my life. One day we were talking about stuff in class, some how rape came up. I never told anyone. I wasn’t really paying attention after that. And everyone started making fun of me. I thought of that night. I started balling my eyes out. My teacher came to me and asked what was going on. She pulled me into the hall and I told her. When I finally came back to class I told my “friend”…. I told her not to tell anyone. I felt ashamed, worthless, gross. She told everyone. I then told someone about my sucide attempt…. That slipped out. Everyone called me crazy and wouldn’t talk to me… Only my bestfriend understood. The police came and I had to tell my story … I told it to so many different people, I couldn’t take it. I hated talking about it so I didn’t. I hated going to school. But I was forced. I got made fun of at my lunch table. And my friends turned against me. Summer came and the girl messaged me on Facebook…. Go try and kill yourself again. You’re still fat ugly and worthless. Try it again, but this time succed. I started cuting myself every night. I cried for hours and hours everyday…. I started to starve myself… I didn’t eat anything for almost a month. I lost 25 pounds. I finally saw my best friend for the first time all summer…. She noticed I lost alot of wieght. No body else did. I started talking to this guy… And we started dating. I loved him so much… and he lead me on too. We broke up after 2-weeks. School started, and I went to the school he did last year. I found out he cheated on a ton of girls. School started and I made friends… But I get called ugly on a daily basis. People call me Mrs.Piggy. I can hear people talk about me …. A lot. I starve myself… And I just tell my friends I’m not hungry. I really am, but I don’t want to get any faster. I chew gum to cope. Whenever I’m hungry I eat gum. People think I have a gum chewing obsession. They don’t know the truth. I smile and laugh everyday, but I’m dying inside… Then I started talking to this guy… This was different. He didn’t live near me and was so sweet, and nice, and cute, he was perfect… We always talked. He always said I was his. He called me beautiful and perfect and everthing. I really thought he liked me. He didn’t either…… He said we should kinda wait til summer to really start talking. I knew what this meant… He found another girl. I always thought of course I’m not good enough he’s perfect and I’m far from it. She was probably prettier, smarter, funnier, skinnier, nicer, had nicer hair, clear skin, a better smile, nice teeth, tanner skin, a smaller nose, and a smaller forehead. She’s perfect for him, and I’m not. I want my life to end so bad… I want to cut … like really bad. But I won’t……
I feel your pain every step of the way and if any way possible I want to help you through with everything you are going through, don’t let idiots put you down like that, guys are rude assholes ( some of them because I’m a guy who’s not, and there are many others) but just cause some hurt you, don’t let it end you. Fight for it, everyone is beautiful in a way, and you are too, keep your head up high easier said then done but nothing’s ever truly easy. Fight hard and if you ever need help, please feel free to contact me at email@example.com, I’m not someone who is judgemental because everyone has their own secrets from the world. I love you even of I don’t know you.
i know how u feel i honestly do. im gunna suggest something and i know its hard to do trust me im still working on doing it myself. all u gotta do is lift u rhead up and ignore what people say or think. they dont know what ur feeling or even begin to understand what uve been through.
u r better than them trust me. u r a unique person withh ur own qaulities u dont need anyones approval. i really hope things work out for u 🙂
I’m sorry. That sounds horrible. Have you every too anyone about your friends’ dad raping you? Has anyone ever told you that it wasn’t your fault?
FYI: chewing gum will actually made you hungrier. Because it generates saliva, which contains digestive enzymes and makes you hungry. That will cause your stomach to also secrete digestive enzymes, but if there is no food in your stomach to digest, this is very toxic for your body. You’re better off chewing raw vegetables – carrot sticks, celery, zucchini sticks, asparagus, lettuce. You won’t gain weight, and you’ll get lots of vitamins.