I havent been on here in awhile but now i need to come back because my world is turning back upside down.The depression is bad and for once theres not a real reason.I just feel drained.My meds were making me hyper in the beginning.I had a sense of happiness and peace for just a moment and now well its gone.Im back to being the me that i dont want to be.The me who feels like a failure and nobody cares.The me that feels depressed.
Im trying to wait befroe doing anything this time.Because my familys going to disneyland together and none of us have ever been.I just have to hold on until after disneyland. But hey if we dont make it to that then well you all know the nature of this site suicide project.We dont come here to express all the joyus things in life and why life is so great.Well at least most of us dont.I dont even have a bad life.But i feel so depressed for whatever reason.Im so worried about so many things.My mind doesnt have a second to rest and well i just feel patheticly sad.The car broke down today.Both cars we have are super crappy.But yeah it broke down.Thats more money we cant afford. And it fucking sucks.Why cant something be right in this world.Ive been praying to god that things will get better.But i get nothing.I dont know maybe im not trying hard enough.
Ive had two near death experiences now.ANd both were scary as fuck.One wasnt even an overdose.I cried like i was a baby.Cause i was scared.I realize i have to deal with my fear somehow.Its not detering me from killing myself.But it has caused me to get help which is what i dont need.People have helped enough.My psychiatrist is refusing to see me cause i overdose on pills.There plan is to try shots now but the nurse told me theres risk.Since im allergic to every antipsychotic..I dont know what to do.I cant help other people and i cant help myself. After disneyland its over and im pretty sure im not coming back this time.After all ive had two near death experiences and theres that old saying three strikes and your out
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I haven’t heard from you in a while. I figured something must have happened ):
ive just been super depressed.i felt good for a moment. Now im just regressing to the old me and i hate it.I cant even cry cause it hurts so bad.
Im sorry i havent messaged.i havent really talked to a lot of people cause of the way im feeling.Cause when i talk and try to pretend to be happy and normal it doesnt feel real.
It’s okay if you don’t want to talk, but you don’t have to pretend to be happy with me. Just say however you feel.
i feel sad and confused.I dont know what to do.But in my life people look at me as there savior.If i show any signs that im weak they wont turn to me anymore and ill have nothing.The only way i survive is by helping others cause i cant find it in myself to love me.Otherwise i dont really have a purpose.I love my family and friends but if there gone what do i have to live for.I have a 76 year old aunty who i love to death but shes getting old and she fell last week.It worries me.I dont like feeling helpless.And i dont want to die but im trapped in a corner and death seems like the one way out.at one point it wasnt like this.when i got out of the hospital i was happy despite med changes.despite allergic reactions despite everything and i just cant figure out were i went wrong
That goes for all of us on here I’d say! We all understand that feeling.