Coming up, falling down….

Its been a bit over a month since I made my first (and only) post here. Since then, I rebounded, was on a high, doing alright actually.

Today Ive rebounded back down. Funny how suddenly it hits. And I can tell you when it hit. Some jerk at work with no courtesy ringing and carrying on that I send him a weekly report, which he doesnt want (I guess delete and ignore like everyone else does isnt in his brain). Just being put back in my place is all it takes. Now here I am wishing it was all over again.

Of course its much more complex than that, but it was the small trigger that started the inevitable spiral again.

Ive accepted that I’ll be around a while, 2 young kids both 2 and under will do that, love them to bits. I can justify leaving everyone else (my wife will be devastated but will get over it, she can at least learn to accept it), but my kids cant, and will never even have a memory of their dad. I cant abandon them and I wont, not until they are adults at least.

So I know that in a few weeks I’ll return to normallacy (as good as it gets anyway, blandness), then I’ll revert, then rebound, and on and on it will go. The whole time I know Im not meant to be here but I’ll do it.

Selfishly I hope those nutjobs are right, maybe in  a months time this world will end. I wont at least have to feel guilty about it, and be free finally. Sadly it would also mean my kids never got a chance to fully grow up and experience life. So I hope it doesnt happen. Well maybe I’ll just get hit by a truck on the way to work. No-one else to suffer and it will do what I cant do myself