I tried 3 times.

I survived suicide 3 times.  I made my first attempt when I was 18.  It seemed like a logical choice at the time.  I felt like there was no possibility of recovering from the all consuming pressures and stresses of life. I tried to hang myself with an electrical chord.  The chord broke, and I woke up minutes later seizing on the ground and vomiting.  I cleaned up and with my bruised neck I knew there was no way of hiding so I let my family know.  I was sent to a facility for a bit where they forced me to eat and take drugs.  I bounced back, but life was not the same.  I felt empty. Maybe it was the medications.

The second time and third time came within days of each other.  I was getting heavy into drugs at the time, and I really could not go on any longer.  Through a connection I made I acquired a gram of heroin and 50 milligrams of diazepam. I used the heroin intravenously and dissolved the diazepam sublingually (Whic means under the tongue. I did this because of the way valium solubility works I could not IV it.). That night I just passed out and woke up in a puddle of sweat.  The next day I went and purchased more.  I ended up loading a gram shot of heroin, taking 75 milligrams of valium, and drinking 3 bottles of wine, and I just about died on my mom’s couch.  This time they took me to rehab.

Now I am here today having more suicidal thoughts.  I have been clean for two years.  I do not think that drugs are for me; they are simply too troublesome. I just really have no way of communicating my stress and loneliness to anyone.  I just want it to end, but I have failed so many times at suicide the thought of the act seems futile. Because I am an extremely huge procrastinator I do not think suicide is even in my hand of cards  anymore. I know I should try to get more help, but with my past faults no one really sees me as having a viable future to invest in.  I went to the doctor and got anxiety medications (non narcotic) and at first they seemed to be working, but at this point I can not even tell.  I feel like every emotional state I experience is full of fake shit.  I am dating a girl and the situation seems to be on the rocks, and if it ends I will be alone again.  Before I met her it had been two years before I was actually even friends with a person. My life is once again spiraling out of control and I can not handle it. I do want to be alone again.

Someone save me please.