Unsure

Hi, my name is Naana, 18 years old

Caution, I may go in different directions at times, most likely due to the fact that I have no idea how to put into format my thoughts correctly. This is my first time ever telling anyone properly, also my first time on here.

I’m stuck between two, whether to live or to choose my death. It all scares me and I question why me? I won’t say I’m not doing this for attention, because deep down I want to know at least someone knew I existed and cared; Knowingly I know I existed for my family, but I can’t help the way I feel and just absolutely hate myself for it. I currently have thoughts of ending my life by quietly hanging myself in my closet.

I tried several times to write this, it’s so simple yet so without question frustrating because I know once I write this and feel like it’s enough, I’ll regret it. One day I feel alright and I feel like my voice can actually reach someone, but most the times I feel like I’m walking on shattered glass, every noise that invades my “bubble” I get so unimaginably (not sure if it’s the right word) frightened. I do want to seek friends to help me and to share my thoughts, however I feel like I’ll rejected thus choosing I rather be alone than to be dropped. I don’t mean to be sensitive, I try not to.

Last year, I remember being able to go to most gatherings such as birthday parties, but now I feel so fragile and weak that I don’t even venture out of my house that much. I feel so utterly horrid, filthy, and unwanted; to make matters worse I’ve been staining my wrist in red for 3 years, now it has become to pulling my hair, biting, and bruising my body just to stop my awful thoughts, but I know this only feeding the monster inside. Like I typed somewhere this is not enough, I’m unsure if I even want to continue.