I just don’t know what happens to me sometimes, it is strange. I start saying things that I really shouldn’t say, I ruin everything around me because of this terrible habit. I don’t want to do it, it’s just like it takes me over and I start doing stupid fucking shit. And I can only watch as everything breaks down. It ruined so many things, it just makes everything so awkward. I don’t want to do it and yet it happens. I’ve had to explain many weird messages send to random people in the middle of the night. I’d usually say I was drunk, but I don’t think it’s a great idea to keep saying that, or people might start to think I have a drinking problem (I really rarely drink). It’s just a form of self destruction I think, a subconscious need to destroy what is close to me. It got me out of high school, luckily I can start education again next month. It always bothers therapists, I can’t act like myself around them, the habit just takes over. God, it ruined so much for me, I could have had friends, I could have been in school now, I could have been a perfect daughter to my family. Instead, I dropped out of high school, I’m too awkward around people and I just bother my family. I just have no future and I don’t deserve to live, yet I keep fighting and holding on. And I will.
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3 comments
Ford,
i don’t know you but perhaps your a little to impulsive? think over what you are thinking about doing before you do it.
First step to fixing something is admitting there is a problem. You would be a lot worse off if you did not even realize how you were messing things up. But you just typed out a long, detailed explanation of the behaviors that you do not like about yourself, how they affect you, and how you wish you would stop it. So, start working on it. If you want to push people away, push them away, if you want to keep them, keep them. At least pick one. Don’t send out strange erratic messages and then try to cover them up by saying you were drunk. Maybe you are acting out because subconsciously you do want some of these people out of your life, so you create these situations but then you try to backtrack and instead tell them you were drunk or some other excuse.
You can fix it if you want to. Really spend some time thinking about it. Type or write to yourself. Ask yourself why you think you are doing this.
I can honestly say I know how it feels.
Even on a perfectly normal day, there suddenly comes this moment when you just start saying/doing things that you usually wouldn’t do. And in the back (or some small space) of your head you think “I shouldn’t do this…” but then the rest of your mind is just like “Man, f**k that!, I’m just gonna do it!”, and it ruins everything. People start looking at you funny, asking stuff like ‘are you PMSing?’ and you just stand there watching everyone be uncomfortable
Is it like a disorder or something? It certainly doesn’t seem to be unique…