Why?!?

I have died in my dreams a hundred times. I have tried to kill myself several times in my waking life, which seems more like a living nightmare to me.  In all the 20 years I’ve lived I haven’t done a single good thing. All I have is regrets, though when I come to rethink the steps I took and the choices I made there doesn’t seem to be another way I could have gone.

I have been a complete failure since my childhood. But back then I took life much easier because my childhood activities took me away from all the bad thoughts and my mind wasn’t so shredded by misadventures. In spite of my abusive father and moody mother I encouraged myself to look forward to changes and all the good things that life might have in store for me. I WASN’T disturbed. I just kept going.

Then, as I grew up, particularly when I started going to school every day, I began to grasp that something was wrong, but didn’t know WHAT. I wasn’t smart at all, so I had to study day and night with my mother bawling at me at the top of her voice, but that didn’t even make  half of all the trouble. Starting from elementary school, things went extremely bad for me with regard to my classmates.  I was a very shy, humble type of girl, who had to try to please everyone not to get deserted during breaks. With my relatives never letting me go by myself my more ‘independent’ peers constantly made fun of me, that was something I could do nothing about.

I never had friends in or outside school, or when I was close with somebody they all ended up betraying me or making our relationship intolerable. Though I never did any harm to anybody throughout my entire school life, I  was compelled to desperately protect myself from bullying and deal with the majority of the problems myself, just because nobody else cared.

I had a dream, though. A dream that carried me throughout my lifetime. I sacrificed everything I could to realize it, for I needed something TO LIVE FOR. And it was worth living for. I fought through all the distrust, injustice and misfortune to get what my soul craved, and gave all of myself to it. And what do you think? All my plans backfired. My sweetest dream turned out to be my worst ordeal, of which I think now as of another twisted nightmare of my broken mind.

Now I feel dead. My soul is dead. And it’s being tortured in my living body. I have nothing to turn to, nothing to live for, I am all spent. The world around me is fading into background. I am indifferent and I have to lie to every person I deal with. I am blaming no one. It’s just me and my ill luck. I feel like I was doomed to live a long, senseless life full of pain and suffering.

I am so unlucky I can’t even kill myself. Something or somebody always gets in my way. Why?? Why do I deserve this? I don’t mind going to hell, I just want to die, this has become my new and last dream. It’s gruesome, I know. I wouldn’t wish that on ANYBODY.

I have become paranoid and I tremble at the very thought that I might not be able to follow through with my next attempt to take my life. If I could only fall asleep and never wake up again. Silence, silence.