I am a suicide victim

i have attempted suicide at least 5 times. I have thought about it more hours than I can count. Ive suffered rape, loss of loved ones, physical and emotional abuse, OCD, and an unstable childhood. In spite of all these painful reasons to die, I’m turning 25 and I am so grateful that all my attempts were thwarted.

I was always in so much pain I could not think about anyone else.

Two years ago my view of suicide was completely changed. My boyfriend of over 5 years killed himself in my bedroom while I was at work. Never in my life have I felt more pain. Never have I felt so guilty. To this day I can’t help but think it is my fault because I didn’t prevent it. He thought he was alone but his death hurt more people than he could have ever imagined. he was lured by promises of a painless death from pro suicide websites.  the  reality was that he was not out of options. He had undiagnosed mental disorders that ultimately led to his end. I still suffer from nightmares of finding him. I still think about him every single day. I cry a lot. I miss him.

i guess the reason I’m writing this is to tell anyone considering suicide that I understand. I’ve been there several times. I still live in agony due to chronic illness. But take a step back and think about the consequences. Think of all the people who will be affected even tho you might not see it. my mom and my current boyfriend are my reason for staying alive. i can’t hurt them the way I was hurt.

So find your reason to stay alive! You are important. You do matter. You are a precious gift. Don’t keep that from the world. use your pain to help others.  And last of all, I am here. I care. I will talk to anyone who needs a non judgemental friend. Take care.