I want to die

I’m tired. Really really tired. I just realized something today. I’ve been struggling my whole life for what? Nothing I do can change the outcome of my life. All I can do is choose whether I want to make things more difficult for myself or not.

I haven’t seen my therapist in almost a month. I know I should contact her and I feel bad for not showing up. But, talking with her is painful. It reminds me of what things should be like and how I want things to be. But, that’s never going to happen for me.

I could go to school. I could suck it up and just deal with everyone’s crap while trying to get my own things done. And for what? What would it get me? My own situation won’t change. No matter what I do my own situation won’t change. In fact, going to therapy,  seeing people, being out in public just serves to remind me how things won’t change. It doesn’t matter what I do. I could pour all my time into becoming rich, smart, beautiful, well educated, etc. None of that will do shit.

I’ve stopped seeing my friends. I try to keep contact with them minimal. I’ll sometimes talk to them when I’m lonely, but it’s painful. Why was I born into this kind of situation?

And thinking back, I was doomed to failure from the start. I struggled really hard, I got good grades, I lost weight… and then it all hit me. It hit me harder and harder every time I went home and I didn’t want to admit it. None of that will help me. Nothing can help me except for death. And since none of them are dying any time soon, the only death I can look towards is my own. If I die, will it stop hurting? Will I stop feeling anything? Will I not be hit from guilt from having abandoned everything because it was too painful?

I told myself I should care how they will feel, but truth be told, I don’t. I don’t care anymore. I just don’t want to be hurt by guilt. I don’t want to feel bad anymore. I don’t want to be living in constant pain anymore.

So, I decided. Starting today I won’t eat anymore. Even though I’m fat, I don’t actually eat much anyway. It should be easy to lie to everyone so they won’t know. The main thing I’m worried about is hair loss, but I guess overall that’s not going to matter.

I am going to sleep. Sleep is the only place where I feel safe anymore. Not even computer and gaming can help me. It’s fun, but I feel empty. I know I’m only wasting time and making my problem worse. However, at the same time nothing I do can make things better. All it’ll do is make me more stressed out and crushed when I try and it doesn’t.

I have no way to communicate this. But when I die, I want my dog to know that he’s the only living creature I truly care about and I’m grateful to him for keeping me company and putting up with me. I hope my family will take care of him once I’m gone.