I like contributing to this site. I don’t think I help anyone. I feel like I only share. I relate. I feel normal here.
That being said, I am tired of being so sad. I don’t think I can be any other way. Not for the long haul. The thought of being like “this” another 30 some odd years makes me feel nauseous. The thought of doing that alone or around people I despise… I just shudder to think about being stuck in that way.
Over the years I have heard so many mantras, tips, and tricks that make my head spin. They don’t work for me. I have gotten to the point that I feel as though everything is some sort of propaganda. Keep the worker bee’s working. Keep the ill alive and ignorant on how to heal themselves. Talk them out of suicide by any means necessary… guilt, false hope, fake promises, straight up lies.
The tyranny of living. We’re all just cogs in a machine. Do you really think most people would care if I died? If you did? A handful of friends and family might care… but like anything… time goes by… it hurts less… they forget with each passing day… they die… then the suffering is over…
I don’t understand why we do these things…
4 comments
You have to find your purpose in life bbbaron. Everyone has a purpose to their lives. We just have to take time and figure it out. If we didn’t have a purpose to our lives, then we wouldn’t be here.
I honestly don’t think I have one. I honestly think I don’t want one. I also think I’m on the fence which is strange because I want to WANT to have a purpose. But I’ve known the truth for a long time. I’m living off of fumes at this point. I also have a different viewpoint about life and purpose etc. We’re not that important or special. We don’t need to have a purpose biologically. Our living is our purpose – accident of birth. We also don’t need to be here following that train of thought.
I try to adopt other viewpoints but I just think the way I do because it makes the most sense to me. But I am aware that it is not the most chipper or life affirming stance to have.
Suicide seems simpler and makes more sense.
I think everyone has a purpose… no matter how big or little. For the longest time I didn’t think I had one. That changed when my best friend wanted to kill herself and I saved her life. Since then I’ve thought about suicide for myself so many times. Every time I have a plan and WILL go through with it. But then her voice pops into my head. I feel like my one and only purpose is to stay around to comfort her in her times of need because she’ll go on to do great things.
Whether your purpose is to help a friend, or a nation, nothing is too small and everyone has that calling. You’re on here so you clearly want to help yourself. Why? You’re seeking some sort of acknowledgement, some sort of approval and encouragement. That means deep down you feel like you have something to live for. And that is a wonderful thing. Suicide is not simple. It’s hard. You and I both know, so does everyone else here. We have a problem and we are all here for each other. You have a purpose and I feel honored that I may be able to help you find it. You just have to believe me and Dave_N and dig deep. It’ll be extremely hard but totally worth it.
Actually Mangler, I’m here to find comfort in the fact that I am not alone in these thoughts and feelings.
There are all kinds of people here. Young and old, but mainly unhappy, dissatisfied and searching. Some of them agree with what you say, other people don’t care, other people try to talk you out of it, then there are others who think it’s their purpose to stop other people from exercising their choices. (sorry for the snark but like I said in previous posts… all we have in life are our choices… not much else… and most of those get taken away.)
I am not seeking acknowledgement. I am seeking a space to empty my head that I know someone will read at least once… I think of acknowledgement being more of a reciprocal exchange. I’ve not had that here nor do I expect it. I’m not seeking approval because I very rarely have anyone respond to me or actually say anything other than I can relate or don’t do it. Neither of those statements are approval in my mind. I also know that I am a rouge in some ways because I’m anti-life in general. I keep most thoughts to myself but I know I go against the grain… and that is unfortunate but ultimately, I am who I am based on what I experience and understand. You can’t change that.
I think everyone is different. Sometimes, I can read things people say on these forums and feel that what they want is to be heard, given solutions, given something. I know that it isn’t the case for me… at least most of the time… and definitely not from an internet forum. Writing is enough. I am looking for some sort of connection via my writing that doesn’t make me feel guilty or forced to make someone else happy or feel better about themselves.
I wish in real life, I had friends I could talk to that didn’t feel the need to use me/ fix me all the time. I don’t expect much from an online forum. I appreciate the ability to write out my thoughts and feelings and know no one will really say much besides three things… “don’t do it”, “I want to do it too”, or “fucking do it you crybaby douche-bag”. I’ve also been called selfish and weak more times than I care to remember.
There’s not much else you can expect here…
As far as purpose goes, I don’t think I have one or really want one. I think that it is a highfalutin idea that we have some sort of purpose. I think
we do great things but I think I have given up on that idea for myself. I think maybe some of us have a calling and I think others may not. Personally, after being on this rock for as long as I have… I do not feel I have a purpose. The only thing that seems to be consistent in my life is troubling and if
that is my purpose… then I really don’t want to be here anymore.
And as an aside, to all of the do-gooders on here… You should never pretend to care. You should never pretend to want to help. You either do or don’t. Most people here will drain you. I would avoid getting close if you could.
We have to save ourselves. No one can rescue us. Don’t hurt yourself trying to do so.