It all hit me. I was at coffee with my friend, and all of the sudden it all hit me – the depression, the urge to kill myself, for all of this to end.
I have no purpose, I see no tomorrow, I see no future. I just want to die, so fucking badly.
I’m living but I don’t feel like I am. I just want to fucking die! Why can’t I? Why can’t some car hit me and I’d die? Why can’t something happen and my life would end? I have no purpose. I feel like a puppet doing stuff only because I am told I have to do so.
…
I don’t want to get a job, I don’t want to study, I don’t want to do anything. I just want to die.Â
39 comments
I want to die all the time. Did you get my email? I sure hope you won’t go through with this. I believe in memories being blocked out. Something may have happened to you. You need to go to that doctor and at least try some medicine before commiting suicide. I hope you’re listening. I would have killed myself if I didn’t get support from people on this website and I want to do something right for once in my life and give that support back. Please try something. I consider everything I read on here that I can’t prevent my fault and when I read someone’s goodbye it makes me want to die even more. You can get through this, you didn’t cause any of it. If some asshole relative messed you up, you shouldn’t die because of it.
I won’t die today. Not while my mom is still here. But I wish I could. Yes, I did get it, sorry I haven’t replied. I like to reply when my head is thinking straight, so I can say something useful, and right now my head is a mess.
I can understand that. Sometimes I can’t reply to stuff right away. In my mind, my life is over. I just want to help other people and meet my families minimal requirements. I’ve lost enough people and for some it was their fault, but your story isn’t like that. You can’t blame yourself for the things that have happened to you. You don’t deserve to die, and you have a purpose. It’s other people’s faults you feel this way. Talk to that doctor soon. I want you to feel better. Sorry I don’t have any great cat pictures on me.
I just don’t know what to do.. I feel dead already. Why can’t I actually die?
Try your depression medicine first. Then, if you still feel the same way, you can hope to die. I sure hope you don’t though. I wish there was more I could do to help. Is there anything?
nothing I could ask.
Is there something you want though? Besides to die. Even if I couldn’t do anything. I want you to feel better.
Nop. Just want to die, so badly. It’s overwhelming.
What your feeling is something I refer to as a zombie stage because their the walking dead and all and you feel like one. But its just a stage of life youll probly feel more then once in your lifetime it just takes something good to come along and bring you out of it. I hope you stay here long enough for the good thing to come into your life.
Well try to hang on. If not for anything else, foor your mom. Maybe you’ll feel better tommorow. I’ve wanted to die a lot of times before, and still do, but having a goal helps. I want to make other people happy.
Phyrecloud: but what about when no one cares enough to save you? to bring you something good in your life? and when you have no strenght to go find it by yourself? then what?
freezinginfire: I have no goals, no purpose.
I get that feeling too, the feeling that I;ve already lived tmrw and the day after that and so on… I’m living the same day over and over again. I just hope something good will happen eventually, I hope one day I can do something useful and have agood life. but that is just a dream, a dream i’m still holding on to and i don’t know for how long.
Hang in there. Is there something u like to do? something u enjoy? something that makes u happy?
What would be something good in your life right now? I would give you that if I could. I wish I could save you too.
xylem: not really. I’m just a puppet in this life. Nothing gives me joy anymore.
freezinginfire: just have someone know, someone understand, someone there, someone holding me and making me have hope again. But I pushed that person away, and now away he is.
Well I care and im guessing freezinginfire cares to or we wouldnt be here wanting to help. Sometimes it takes recognition of the little things people do even if its not very noticable at first to see the good in life. And even if it seems like no one cares and no one wants to bring good things you dont give up. Hope for the best and staying strong is all we have in this world. You never know when the day may come and because YOU didnt give up you helped save someones life. Maybe your the good thing for someone you dont know
Hazelleyes, I was feeling like that about a yr ago and it took some major changes in my life to finally start seeing some progress. I mean it took shifting priorities, traveling, moving, etc.. to finally feel something again. Obviously i’m not all better yet but it helped. U need to get away from familiar sorounding, u need a change, a challange something that will kick u back into life. U need to FEEL again…
I’m sure there will be someone else eventually. No one is perfect, you need to forgive yourself. That person might know who you are and just be nervous to say anything while you’re in a bad mood because they don’t want to start off badly.
hazeleyes: If you pushed an important person a way, calling them up and telling them your sorry you pushed them away could make a world of difference
phyrecloud – I apreciate it. I know people here care, that’s what’s making me get through each day. I actually can’t wait to come to this website when I’m out of the house. Here I feel safe. I’m sick of being strong, I was strong all throughout last year when my mom was diagnosed with cancer and during the treatment period. I am sick of being strong! I have no more strenght in me, at least not now.
xylem – I wish I could move away. My ultimate dream is to go to london, and I was going to go, but had to come back to my country for my mom to get treated. Now the situation has changed and I don’t really have the means to go anymore. So that’s another broken dream.
freezinginfire – I didn’t really understand what you said.
onmywayout – I know, I wish I had the courage to do that. But the thing is, he knew I was down, he knew it all too well. And he knows me better than anyone, he knows this is what I do – I push people away when I need them most. But he didn’t fight back. He just let it be. So whatever, I want him to be happy, and I’m not able to give him that.
Then take your days little by little. Youll catch you breath and regain your strength and itll be ok. Just until then put yourself first sometimes thats all there is left to do in life. And im sorry your mom got diagnosed w cancer I couldnt imagine how that could feel.
Hazel: I was recently pushed away by someone that means the world to me. A real similar situation. I didnt fight the last time either, it hurts to get pushed away over and over by someone you really care about. I pretended to care less as time went on, but I really did (mistake on my part, should have been stronger). It’s pretty much over between us now and I feel like I lost something great, but I’m just telling you this because I’ve been in the situation on the other end…..if the person that pushed me away just told me she was sorry and wished she hadn’t have done it…..It would make me really happy
Yeah, I’m falling asleep, sorry, totally lost my train of thought. Now that I read my comment, I don’t know what I said. You don’t have to be strong right now. Right now, you need to take a break from the things that are stressing you and let your strength regenerate. Then you can get your life back on track when you are strong enough (you will be eventually even if it doesnt seem like it). And then your parents may start giving you more money again and you’ll possibly be able to realize your dreams. Hope that made more sense. I’m really tired and losing internet connection off and on, so I’ll try to talk tommorow.
phyrecloud – That’s what I’m trying to do.. Day by day.. But it’s getting harder now. Fortunately, she is better now, cancer-free. But the thing is, as it seems that she got better, I got worst. I know it makes no sense. It’s like, I don’t have to be strong for her now, so I just crashed so low, all my strenght is gone.
onmywayout – I’m sorry that happened to you. The thing is, I know he likes me, and I saying I love him is barely enough. We were never in a serious relationship because I kept saying I wasn’t ready (although we were kinda together). And I can’t give him what he needs to be happy. I will only make it worst. So I’d rather he finds someone who is less fucked up than me, and then he will have his chance to be happy. It just sucks cus it feels like I lost my best friend. I know I haven’t, we agreed that our friendship meant too much to ever get screwed up by anything, but I think that if I go talk to him now it will only hurt him more, so I’m giving him some time.
freezinginfire – I want to be strong. But those days seem further away than they ever did. Get some sleep, I’ll reply to your email tomorrow!
No it makes perfect sense you was strong for her because she needed you to be and now that shes ok you dont have to be strong so your strength has been drained. Thats how my whole life has been. I get it so take your days for what they are no more no less and just catch your breath. Youll strength will return in time
Hazeleyes: That’s so weird, thats exactly the same circumstances in my situation. not technically in a serious relationship, kind of together….and we had the conversation about things being too important to mess up (of course thats not where my heart was in the matter, she has serious trust issues and I thought it was the best thing to do at the time)…..Truth be told though, even though I know that my girl has issues…..still doesn’t change the fact I miss her and think about her all the time. I’d love to have her around, even with all her issues. She’s pushed so far though, I know it will never happen unless she reaches out again.
Hazel: Hope it gave you an idea of what the other person might be thinking or feeling…..if you guys have a good thing, why give up on it so easy?
onmywayout – I may ask you the same question lol. Why won’t you text her saying “I’m here for you.”? I didn’t really give up. It’s more like.. If you love something, let them free. I guess. And the sitiuation is even more similar from what you just said – trust issues, guilty as well. All thanks to my beloved son of a ***** of an ex. And he knows this, he was there while I was going through the breakup. He knows me, he just wont fight. and I guess thats okey, I want him to be happy.
Now you are also getting an idea from the other side.
phyrecloud – but my days are worthless, they are vacant, meaningless. I just can’t take it much longer.
It wouldn’t do any good on my end. I know she would just do it again even if I did manage to fix it this time. I’ve done that before. I quit fighting that particular battle because the pain of going through it over and over again isn’t something I can handle. I’m not saying you should handle things any different, just wanted you to think about it before you passed up on something good
Yeah I know, and I appreciate it. I just need him, but above anything I want him to be happy – and he has a much better chance at it than me. So yeh.. It’s just “funny” how we are going through the same, but in opposite sides.
lol, cheers to the shittiness of the situation
I hoped it would be better on your side 🙁
Well, you actually have a choice in the matter though. You could chose to tell him you wish you hadn’t pushed him away and he would probably open right back up. I don’t have the option because I wasn’t the pusher. lol. You don’t know if he’s tore up about it or not. He could just have a better poker face than you think he does.
onmywayout, I need to turn off my laptop cus my mom is waking up any moment now to go to work and if I’m she sees me awake I’m getting another lecture about how my life is going nowhere.. Anyways, I’m leaving you my email if you ever want to talk. Although today wasnt a really good day, I’m usually a good listener 🙂 claire.01tt @gmail.com (without the space before the @).
I think both have the option. It’s whether we are brave enough to take that step. And if I would tell him, I’d have to explain all that I’m feeling. And I can’t do that yet. I really have to go now tho!
nite
I feel the same way, and many, many times before this has happened to me. It just hits all of a sudden, and I guess that is just how depression works. I know however, that it can and will get better. Emotions are just one thing in life, and if you try to ignore them you end up hurting more, so adviceee- you can face the emotion and say, NO, I am trying to enjoy my day right now, so leave me be! I dunno of this will work, but it’s worth a shot 🙂 good luck!