My best friend stayed with me for 20 days, We were high the entire time laughing and listening to the radio, and watching cartoons, when he left it smashed my heart in half I was just coming down and the whole thing felt like I time warped through it all. My plan was to kill myself after my friend left, I made the most of the time but now the moment is on me, it warped so fast I cant believe it. Even seeing the names of any shows I watched with him makes my heart clench up, He doesnt expect it, I didnt realize how lonely I was isolating every day, It hurt so bad when he left and I cant help but imagine how many times over It will hurt him to hear I killed myself. That thought repeating combined with time warping and being burned out beyond belief but completely unable to sleep has left me, completely losing it crying screaming at my wall. I realize that I want to live I just want to be happy and healthy. I try to cry for help, my parents cant do anything I have nobody to ask for help. The isolation is setting in infinately harder than before. What the hell can I do, go to doctors to have them tell me im physically fine and that my symptoms are in my mind?, Or therapy where I can talk about my mind for an hour. I still want to fully open up but I cant seem to find anybody to do that with, Time has never moved slower Ive almost stabbed myself from desperate impulse twice today. I really have heard it all, Nothing ive tried has worked, what do you do with a bad hand of cards? fold. I dont know what im asking the most anybody here can do is say that they are sorry. I just have absolutely nobody else to talk to and im attempting to lessen the isolation if at all possible. Still suggestions and ideas are welcome, I would try anything at this point. I want to figure out the answers, the problems I have keep me from being able to think so the problems keep me from ever getting help. I get suggestions like, go outside and meet people or exercise more, but how am I going to socialize when I cant handle being around people, and exercise when I feel sick. This is why I am becoming convinced that there is literally no way that I will ever get any better because only the person can help themselves. I cant help myself with this sick mind. I still wonder if I did somthing to deserve to be tortured, or if the universe is really is a machine, like a fan running, constant uncaring and always the same. And there is always that part that I cant describe, the worst part of it all, the feeling of never being able to relax or slow down, like there is itching powder on my body and mind. Why every minute feels so long. and how I cant explain that I cant get into my mind, and I cant get out of it. And why cant I kill myself, I cant stand it everyday im past all I can possibly handle, Imagine that you are being tortured past your pain threshold always but that still doesnt stop it, just because you cant handle it doesnt mean it will stop. I want nothing more than suicide my interests hobbies goals are all suicide, but I still cant do it thinking about my friend. I cant live and I cant die so what do I do, wait out everyday waiting for nothing without any hope left, without anything In life I enjoy left just constant physical and mental pain? The mind controls pain, maybe my mind is just constantly sending me burning pain siginals for no reason, either way I truly hope that I can kill myself out of love for myself.
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5 comments
Constant suffering – that’s what life seems like. Maybe the secret is finding a way to deal with it that makes life tolerable for you. Wild animals don’t have it any easier. Survival is a full time job for them too.
I don’t want to give you false hope, but is life really a shit fest 24/7/365? There are good times mixed in there, it just seems like the bad times last forever. “This too shall pass”. That’s true for the good times and the bad. It sounds like you feel things strongly, you experience life intensely. That makes the hard times seem even more unbearable…but it’s all temporary. Pain is unpleasant but everybody experiences it. I doubt that any of this helped, but best wishes anyways.
I’ve thrown my brain chemistry off so far that living life naturally brings me no enjoyment and nothing worth while at all, good or bad it feels bad. I realize thats an internal problem and external things are really irrelivant now. Think of it like this, does the blind man see the difference between looking at the grand canyon or staring at a wall? And yes my brain is blind to good feelings. I fucked up as a kid, I started watching porn at 12, got hooked on it, never saw it as a problem started watching more and more graphic disturbing shit, Realized at 13 that I literally could not stop, My dad didnt communicate much with me and I couldnt exactly tell my mom about it, So it kept getting worse and I would spend 8+ hours a day on weekends and summer break. I tried to quit on my own but never made it 3 days. Now after 6 years its the only thing I have that makes me feel anything good (and not even really good, like chemically good for a small time with strong undertones telling me im the scum of the earth) Ive been pumping chemicals into my brain for 6 years and still cant stop. It actually has withdrawls when I try to and It might be some of the cause of my health problems. It made me hate myself, I have the most fucked up thoughts you can imagine on a near constant basis. I feel like a piece of shit future rapist with constant violent sexual fucked thoughts in my head, I cant even be around people with those thoughts. I was 12 I didnt know that I was hooking myself on somthing comparable to smack and destroying my entire life.
You still have time to reinvent yourself, you’re young enough to start over. I hardly think you’re fucked for life. What if you joined the military after you graduate from High School? You give up 4 years of your life. There is no porn in boot camp. You get your ass kicked every day in a good sort of way. You won’t have time to torture yourself mentally. Somebody else will kindly do that for you. Just getting through the day will keep your mind occupied.
Again, I don’t want to feed you some happy horseshit story but I think you’ve still got a chance. It sounds like you trained yourself to become fucked up, now you have to retrain. Do whatever you want, it’s your choice. Neither option will be easy but it’s up to you to decide if it’s time to give up or if you’re worth fighting for.
I don’t think I have the strength left to give up or fight, Get busy living or get busy dying I get that, being this idle is the worst, im not even waiting for anything, just existing like a rag doll exists.
Apart from if the whole house was on fire, I dont think I would be able to get up, not becuase getting up is that difficult once, but because getting up day after day without the hope or motive to just isnt possible, its just a stress test to see how long you can do it, ive tried that approach a few times, never could do it.