anti-climactic Aristocrat

I manage to log into my second Facebook account every other day, in hopes that my mom wrote me back. She does sometimes. but most of the time i have to wait for days before she writes me.

i don’t know why i try so hard, she never wanted me in the first place. she used to tell me she wished she had gotten an abortion, and some how i always manage to over look that. but today im just so so so far down in the rut i started realizing that this is what my potential life will be like. i cant manage to do anything for myself and i hate to admit it, im a follower. i always wanted to be a leader but im a damn follower. and im not independent im co-dependent.

i wont manage to live without someone, im to scared to make decisions, i put on this facade but im really a sniveling child, and i like to pretend im so much more when im not, i really, really am not. sad thing is i cant depend on anyone, lol…

so i am fucked, again i am fucked.

i like to play with the notion that someone in life would want me, someone could be with me. but i realize its a very hard pressed issue, if my parents, the people who gave life to me could not want me, then who else in this world could? i know i ask that question a lot. but then again i think on it a lot.

i hurt people with my insecurities, i know this. but i cant help it, when im like this i ask questions, im straight forward and blunt. because i need to know, i just cant believe you at your word and im sorry. i have little or no faith in everything but i try, i try so hard. but i always fail, another story of my life. i really dont think there is anything i have ever completed, i give up to easily and i have no ambition. well i have ambition to start things, to plan things. no ambition to finish shit. so yes, im a stone cold loser. run while you still can, i hear its contagious.