Another Kind of Hurt.

I thought my life was perfect. Not perfect. “perfect” but perfect enough for me. My parents are annulled but it didn’t matter because I knew they both loved me. During high school I was in a great amazing place, on the honour roll, just got accepted into my first choice college and all the colleges I applied to in fact. My biggest problem then was a huge maybe relationship with my boy best friend.

That ended quickly.

And along with it high school. I was going away now to University. It was both scary and refreshing. I have had more things happen to me in the last 9 months than my whole life. First my best friend since 1st grade and I fought. Then we forgave each other but recently, she called and told me that she has outgrown me after all. This hurt me again, but not as much as the first time we fought. We’ve never really fought before, so I guess this marks the end of an era. I thought I was falling for a boy only to have my heart broken before anything actually ever happened. One of the girls from my new found group of friends snagged said boy within a week. But all of that boy business was actually light, and it didn’t really matter to me.

Now along with my best friend who has outgrown me, I have a professor who hates me and is determined to get me to drop or fail her class. It’s gotten so big my parents are involved. She has accused me of cheating, along with half my class when we in fact haven’t. She has called me names. And it’s all just been intense.

Writing this now seems stupid to me. I think maybe my problems are stupid too and no one will care. But it’s all just happening altogether. Then now I find out my other best friend is also hurt. Because I took her for granted. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

I thought I was smart, but I’m not faring well at school. Or perhaps pre-med is just really intense. This program I got into. Where you’ll finish medicine in 6 years. Be a doctor in 6 years. Wow. That’s such a dream. I’ll be a doctor by 22! Yey. It just seems so unlikely to me now.

I thought I was a good friend, kind even. But everyone is suddenly leaving me. Telling me they’ve outgrown me, I’ve taken them for granted and such. I’m just so confused. I sacrificed so much for them. My friends. And I’m still willing to do the same all over again.

I thought I was beautiful, a former ballerina, I used to perform on big stages. Dance like there’s not a care in the world. But I’m alone. I looked at myself. Traces of who I used to be lie here. I’m no longer the graceful ballerina that I was. Now I’m fat and alone.

And now. as I lie here.

In contemplation of my life. I was the girl who was always smiling. I was the girl who was fun to be around. I was. I was THE girl. Now who am I? I don’t even know. What am I?

Where did it all go wrong? How? Why?

I think of all my what ifs. What if I let my best friend love me and loved him back? What if I just kept to myself? What if I never stopped ballet? What if I… What if I just rewrote my life? What if I just forgot everything?? What if I just went away?

I feel so haunted.

I want to hurt myself.

Because maybe when I feel another kind of hurt. This type I carry with me in my chest will lessen. Even just a little.