It’s been months since the last time I held a knife close to my forearm
I had kept myself distracted and persuaded myself into thinking cutting doesn’t help at all
but personally
i don’t feel as numb once my skin has been detatched
at least, temporarily
and it sucks
uncertain if i should attempt to
Because it brings much more harm
Than it brings good
Questions swirl
Why am I so depressed?
Why am i so angry?
Why am I so ugly?
Is it the weather?
Every little dilemma?
When should I start again?
Dad said i have a “shitty attitude”
My brother says I ruined everything for him
Guys are always criticising my appearence
And I’m not the friend I used to be
At least, that’s what I see
At times i get so close to running off a bridge
Dropping weights on my head
Jumping into train tracks
Cutting deep enough
But something holds me back
And what is it?
Fear?
Willpower?
I don’t know
All i know is I’m sick of this
1 comment
It feels like torture doesn’t it? To have to get through another day inpain,yet nobody can see your pain so they think you’re fine.
Why can’t we end it?
I don’t know.. Maybe deep down we still have hope one day things will get better?
Because its such a drastic thing to do? and so frowned upon,fear of the unavoidable blame and judging from people should you fail?
I have tried a few times,serious attempts and partly that fear of failing again stops me again.
But most of all,my loved ones,my family,the thought of leaving them behind in pain and confusion and unanswered questions,not understanding I’d be happier in another place,is what stops me most.
For today anyway.
Stay strong,and dont give up hope,there might come a day you look back on this dark period in your life and think ‘thankgod I didn’t go through with it and i’m alive…’
Good luck,and remember you’re not alone.