My husband is going out into the field for four days tomorrow. I feel as though this is my time to go. I will have enough time to think, write letters, and make arrangements. More things happen every day to remind me that I am not meant to be here, to be alive. There is no point. No one will miss me for long, people will move on. Like they always do. They can survive without me and I think it would be a mistake for me to survive any longer. I have no talents, no friends, no love, and absolutely no control over my life. Things will not get better. There is no use in telling myself that they will.
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What about your husband who will return from the fields? Will it upset him to find you gone?
Probably for a little bit, but I feel like he’ll move on and get past it. We are young, he’s an attractive man. He will have no problem finding someone else when I’m gone who better suits his needs.
There does not need to be a point.
You don’t need to be missed or depended upon or matter.
You don’t need to be talented or popular or loved or even being capable of loving or making friends.
You don’t need to have control of your life.
Things don’t need to get better.
Only you determine what is anything, how important anything is and what that means should be done.
I guarentee that if you continue living, you will be appreciated by others, even if only a tiny bit. And you will have some sort of positive experiences, even if only insignificant and brief. At the every least, surely the ability to feel/do anything is better than eternal nothingness, wouldn’t you agree?
It would be better to feel joy than to feel nothing for eternity, but all I feel is self-hate and sadness and anger. Things are progressively becoming worse and I cannot take it anymore. My thoughts are out of control and I just want to stop my brain from thinking and bringing up the same bad memories over and over again, all day every day. I am exhausted from battling the urge to hurt or kill myself. I just don’t care anymore.
I have no reason to live for, there is only loneliness in my useless life… should i end myself too?
I’msostupid: sounds like you’ve had a trauma and are having intrusive thoughts that make you feel horrible (in addition to whatever else is going on). I also wonder if your relationship with your husband is a good one or is it a major problem?
Hang in there , don’t give up on yourself. As much as it hurts.. Keep on fighting until you find a reason to live..
I have always had a problem with intrusive thoughts, since I was very young. Any trauma that I’ve experienced has not helped and I can’t stop thinking about anything ever. Sometimes I’ll be thinking about an event, or something I said, or something that somebody said to me and I’ll noticeably grimace or clench my hands because of the embarrassment or anger I feel. My husband is a loving man, but he has betrayed me so many times that I no longer feel connected to him. He wants to do better, and is making an effort, but all that doesn’t matter because I can’t stop thinking and I can’t get rid of my bitterness and anger and guilt and feelings of worthlessness and stupidity.
My inability to move on is holding us back and making him feel terrible and scared for me and I’m tired of it. I feel like he would do better without me. Like he would be happier. He wouldn’t have to worry about watching what he says or does, he wouldn’t have to worry about taking care of me when I’m too depressed to get off of the couch or when I develop staph infections from self-harm. He wouldn’t have to worry about me anymore and he could move on with his life.
I have lost my friends because I can’t function. I can’t make new ones because I’ve developed severe social anxiety since my husband’s deployment and return from Afghanistan. I don’t know how to communicate with my husband without liquor. I can’t even sleep with him unless I’ve ingested alcohol and on most nights I hope he becomes too intoxicated to ask to for it.
This does hurt, and I don’t know if I’ll find a reason to live. Every event, every person I come across, every hour spent in my home trying to stay away from people, every fight my husband and I get into, everything has convinced me that there is absolutely no point in me staying on this earth. I’m a Christian and I don’t even care if I go to hell for committing suicide now. I just don’t want to exist anymore.
Purebluelight, you shouldn’t.
Imsostupid: Any desire at all to try individual therapy?
And you won’t go to hell. Any loving God would not punish you for being unhappy.
I was going to individual therapy but the therapist wouldn’t stop interrupting me so I left. I felt as though I couldn’t communicate with someone who wouldn’t let me finish a single thought. I have been too nervous to find someone else. My husband emailed someone from our church about marriage counseling, but we would only be able to go after my husband gets back from the field and I’ve planned to commit suicide while he’s away.
And thank you for saying that last part. I hope that he would not punish me.
It unfortunately takes work to find a decent therapist. i would warn everyone that a therapist who does more talking than you do or who talks a lot about themselves are ones to stay away from.
The good ones listen very carefully, comment only when necessary, and try very hard to understand you.
Dear OP,
I was much in the same situation as you. You are not alone. Your life can and WILL be different. All you have to do is consider that possibility. In quantum physics there is a theory which states that a single thought can have a domino-effect reaction. Do not underestimate the power of thought, sister.
I was married also. Developed agoraphobia, bad anxiety, debilitating depression. He betrayed me emotionally as well. Until any romantic feelings I had for him, had died. I had no friends. I was stuck in a loop every single day for five years. I had a computer and gaming addiction and it is what got me through those years. He was suffering and so was I.
At the same time, I was in therapy. The three therapists I had during those years, were not very good either. I can relate. However, as much as I am against meds and anti-depressants, one of them put me on a pill. I began to function better. Hated taking it but at least it got me out. I got a simple job, then enrolled at a community college. One thing led to another, and I got a better job in the city. Lo and behold, I found a roommate. Everything Aligned to help me. Please believe that this is possible, because it is. Once you set an intention – the universe conspires to help you. It may take time, but things will start to happen. Imho 🙂
But anyway – I moved out and it was one of the happiest days of my life. My divorce was finalized just recently and it’s been a wondrous, tough journey. I actually had an amazing spiritual awakening. It’s like god was waiting all this time for me to get out of that situation, so that he/she could pull back a divine curtain and let me know that I’m on a mission. Since I moved out, it has taken me 4 years to finally attain a safe place, my own home, a starting point from which I could see the grandeur that is laid before me. I still get suicidal thoughts, too. But there is something greater than all of us at work. You deserve to discover this for yourself. I wish I could give you an enormous bouquet of roses.
You need a safe place.
And: YOU ARE NOT STUPID.
P.S.: Fast forward – I have friends. I met the love of my life, my ultimate soulmate (twin flame). I have my own apartment and am not sure exactly how it happened, lol. My close female friend is my roommate. And I finally discovered what I want to do with the rest of my life, careerwise. This career is a perfect fit for me, though the challenges it presents terrify me, somewhat. I have found an amazing therapist whom I have been seeing for two years (for free). There are a lot of good things happening. You deserve to experience good things, too.
@OP: You won’t get better on your own and you won’t find real healing here. You need to find another therapist if you want to live. As Catchthebus said, there are both good and bad therapists and sometimes it takes a little shopping to find the right match for you.
@CTB: I may have a solid source for N and everything else under the sun. I’m in process of negotiations but we’re moving fast. You know I don’t trust Internet sources but this one feels very real and I’ve already had someone tell me they got something from them. Could be what you’re looking for, but I’ll make sure I get my hands on what I want before I have you toss money their way.