Seconds away from death.

Today I was seconds away from ending my life. What changed my mind I still do not know.

 

After 10 years of SEVERE deppresion I am tired, I am tired of it all. I am exhausted.

I tried fighting back for year after year. Medications and therapy(many different therapists) for 10 years and I have not moved a single step forward. Not one step..

2 years ago I gave up. After 8 years of trying I was tired of fighting and in the end i realised I am never going to feel joy again.  I gave up hope.

I have always had suicidal thoughts for as long as I can remember. There’s been many close calls but today the closest I have ever been.

 

A year ago I bought a medecine that is used to threat horses. Its illegal unless prescribed by e vetenarian becouse its lethal to humans.

One pill will make your heart go real fast. Your body will be shaking uncontrollable

Two pills will make you feel heart pump so fast you can hear it. You will be shaking so much you can barely stand on your feet.

Three pills will most likely kill you.

I had 100.

These are fast digesting. They will be in your system within 10 minutes. Once swallowed even if the ambulance is called immediately it most likely be to late.

 

I have been considering doing this almost everyday for a year now. There is nothing keeping me back. No family, no friends, nobody even know I exists.

I have held the pills in my hand several times this year but somehow i never went through with it.

Today was different.

During the night i was awake. I almost never sleep. My nights are spent in tears. I was looking upon the stars constantly reminding myself in tears I do not belong here. I never did.. Its time for you to go.

After thinking about suicide almost every minute for 2 years you will eventually go through with it.

So I decided its time. My heart is broken,  not by love. Its just broken by all the sorrow in my heart. It cant take anymore.

I went outside on the porch. I took half of the box of pills with me(50) and I spent a few minutes looking upon the stars.

I threw all the pills inside my mouth and put water inside my mouth.

A few pills slided down my throat and i realised this is it.

But somehow i did not swallow. Some say suicide is for the weak. For me it takes a tremendous amount of courrage and i dont have that yet.

I spit them out but i knew a few slided down my throat becouse i swallowed slightly.

 

I was not sure what I was thinking about the situation.

If enough pills slided down my throat i really didnt care so i thought. Maybe i die today maybe I dont. It does not matter.

After a few minutes i noticed my hands were shaking. Soon after my legs then my whole body. I could feel my heart wanting to burst out of my chest.

I got this instense feeling of peace.

I smiled and i realised soon there will be no more pain. It will all be over soon. I smiled for the first time in 10 years.

I was ready to die.

To make sure i was going to die i took the rest of the pills but once i picked them up i fell to the ground and vanished. My heart stopped.

I woke up in a hospital 2 days later.

I came to know my neighbour had seen me shaking uncontrollably and had called an ambulance.

I was dead for a few minutes untill the ambulance came and they managed to bring my heart back to life.

 

I am now back from the hospital. All they did was send me to my doctor and therapist for suicidal counceling and i was sent home a day after.

And here I am with 50 pills left. I am not sure I will be alive much longer.

 

 

 

 

You do not belong here.