I don’t know why I feel this way. I use to be a mellow, laid back person. I worked hard, but only if the benefits outweighed the costs. I graduated high school, got into a university. I did everything I was told to do and everything that was expected of me. My whole purpose had been drilled into me to get to college. Never anything else. Now I have a job and attend classes. No one even looks this way now. As long as I continue to work and take classes I am ignored. Until they want something of course. My father, does not even know what my major is. Or what school I attend. Oh no, but when I don’t do something to his liking I am the most selfish selfish selfish human being. Â A burden. His actual words. Hahahaha. I believe it was because I was doing the dishes and “refused” to pick up a sock that was not mine. Why can’t they see that everything I do is for them? I coached for my sisters. I lead girl scouts for my little sister. I went to college to make them proud. I buy groceries and make dinner for them. But they can never see that, only disappointment. They can’t see how hard I try. I want to make them happy. But all I do is bring disappointment. I don’t even know who I am because I am what others want me to be. For valentine’s day my parents always gets us stuff. This year, my mom got me, literally, time spent with her in march. Valentine’s day is february. I don’t know if I am depressed or not. At work, I can function normally. With friends, I can function normally. It’s only when I am alone that I get bad. Lately it has gotten so much worse. I’ve picked up smoking because it helps me stop shaking. But sometimes even that doesn’t help. I will randomly start crying. or wanting to cry. I can be having fun and have to stop myself from crying so that nobody will see. No one can ever know. I am drowning, and nobody even glances over. I know it’s better this way and that my pretending keeps everyone happy. But I feel myself slipping. Say things I shouldn’t. Things that make people glance. I cover it up quickly, of course. Part of me wants someone to break me open. Find everything inside. But I will never allow that to happen, even if I die.
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4 comments
Why don’t you start doing what you want instead of only things to please other people?
I don’t know what I want. I try, I do. but I can’t stay at anything long before thinking what’s the point. I know the way I feel about myself is wrong and illogical, but here I am. sorry, I shouldn’t be here
No, no, it’s good you shared, blue.void.
Your problem is quite serious from what i can fathom. If i’d were you, i’d move away from the family for at least couple years. Mind you, not permanently! But still, for some good 5 or even more years. I’d look for some possibilities to earn some good money which are remote and/or tied to frequent change of location (the latter would be the best). Anything to get separated from family and learn what else my life has to offer to me. If you’d find there is nothing else, fine, at least you’d know. But if you’d find something else worth living for – something else but your old family, – then it’d be so precious and awesome.
It seems to me your family just grew into taking your love and your effort as something so natural and so permanent and so unconditional that they don’t even notice it anymore. It can happen, and i’ve seen it in a few families (most often it’s parents who do alot of things not appreciated by others, though). Anyhows, you are grown one, and it is time to start shaping your life yourself. Go for it. Even if results are bad, you know it’s of your own decisions.
P.S. some 5+ years ago i was homeless for almost a year; it was my choice, i had perfectly fine home to be in, but i decided i don’t want to. Those were so good times – despite being homeless, – and i learned alot during it, too.
Thanks for your words. It is good advice. I’m hoping to get into a grad school or something far away. I had moved out to live on campus for a year and I loved it. Financially wise it wasn’t good. I wasn’t that far away from home, but still I never really missed my family. I don’t know if that’s cold or not, but I didn’t have to worry about them. So it would be nice to get away, but the actually action of leaving would be hard.