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This stupid love is killing me. I’m just worthless

by They Call Me Amy

So, I have a bff (she is a girl) who has been in love with a guy for almost 4 years, but she is too shy and insecure to even go talk to him, and he is very snob and arrogant, so she is afraid of rejection, anyways, this guy has a friend called G.  And last year Idk but I felt a connection with G. He is A VERY VERY SWEET guy, and he is very shy too. I tried to approach him many times, and he was always very nice and kind. He used to spend his free time with his friends, and he used to stare at me ALL THE TIME with kind smiles and sweet glances.
I was falling in love and I couldn’t help it or even control myself. Every time he was around I would go nuts and act out of mind. My friends were kinda afraid of me because of this. Then, I had a female friend called Becca, she was close to G., so one day, one of my friends A. told her that I was falling for G., and asked for help, if Becca could make we get closer and so on. She said okay, but after that day Becca stopped talking to me and my friends.
I couldn’t understand why.
Becca had a friend called Leticia, this girl hates me for NO REASON, I used to date her ex boyfriend , Jason, on 2009, and we broke up on 2010 and he started dating her, and we were just good friends after that, I’ve NEVER made out with him after we broke up. But he started spreading rumours that I still liked him and she told everybody that I was a slutty whore and a lot of people stopped talking to me after that.
So Becca suddenly started hating on me and I’ve noticed that she was trying to hug G. in front of me to make me feel bad. The awkward fact is that Becca had a boyfriend during that time, so she didn’t have a crush on G.
I tried to understand but I couldn’t, and still can’t.
So, I was very tired of everything and on August of 2012 I told G. that I liked him. And he was pretty shocked, he wasn’t expecting that.
He said that I was a beautiful nice girl but he would think about it and talk to me after he made his decision.
I felt so lonely after that, my world was broken, and everything didn’t make sense anymore. But I still had hope.
3 months later and he didn’t talked to me again.
I was still hoping that he was going to talk to me but he started acting like a stranger. Avoiding me sometimes because he was shy and couldn’t handle that. But G. was always staring at me. every single day he was glancing.
I got very depressed and couldn’t eat anymore. I lost so many pounds, I was feeling dizzy all the time, I couldn’t hide my bones, because I didn’t have enough skin. I cried every day and couldn’t find happiness on things.
I was falling in love with him so damn hard. Even after everything.
So, I felt tired of this situation and talked to him again. We spoke about funny and nice things, he was always smiling and being kind, but in the end of our talk I told him about the last time we talked and he said that he was sorry, but he didn’t felt interested.
I lost my world and everything after that. I was just depression + anorexia + cutting.
Funny fact that even after all these things he was still staring at me everytime.
I don’t even know why. HE WAS SO SWEET, SO KIND, ALWAYS STARING AND SMILING, SO WHY HE DIDN’T LIKE ME? WHY WAS HE ACTING LIKE THIS IF DIDN’T FEEL ANYTHING?
I tried to commit suicide many times every that. 2012 was awful, I lost my friend A., I lost G., I couldn’t get into college (I was studying 12 hours a day, every single f*cking day to become a doctor, but It didn’t worked), I became the shame of my family, everybody knew how worthless I was and still am.

Last year I was diagnosed with an ED. I was counting calories, trying to stay under 500 kcal because I wasn’t beautiful enough. I am a piece of crap. No one will never love me.
my heart still beats for him, I still love him with all my heart and I can’t forget him, I don’t find any guy attractive, I don’t want anyone else. never again.
I saw G. yesterday (we still see each other 3 times a week almost), but he avoided me and it is killing me inside. I was doing fine for the last 2 months, but now my recovery is f*cked up, I am taking pills, crying myself to sleep and trying to stop the urge to cut.
I still love him with all my heart and it’s killing me slowly. I don’t know what to do anymore.

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3 comments

tantal 3/22/2013 - 10:32 am

AVOID HIM!This is very important.Don’t see him,don’t talk to him, don’t stalk him(this includes internet stalking too).Cut him out of your life physically.You have no idea how much this means. I’ve got out of a TWO YEAR OLD relationship and a MONTH later I found out that the piece sh*t is dating someone else.They are STILL together for almost a year.First I kept communicating with him,then just internet stalking him all the time,completely lost appetite and desire to live.When I finally took a step to REALLY cut him out of my life everything changed.He was fading away slowly,but surely from my mind.There are two ways you can benefit from this: 1.You move on more quickly
2.He might start to wonder what the hell and finally initiate the contact with you(guys are like this,trust me)
He must see how well you are without his affection,then they start to notice you.Guys want independent women,not the needy ones.It might be difficult to fake,but you only have to fake when he’s around.When he’s not,he doesn’t know how you’re doing,feel free to cry and feel EVERYTHING you feel.Let the emotions come and go.The wounds heel eventually…

DissolvedGirl 3/22/2013 - 1:16 pm

Most men are evil all the Gentlemen are dying out like my grandfather who’s 86. NO! If he initiates contact IGNORE IGNORE. This loser doesn’t deserve you, you deserve someone want’s to take care of you when they see you in pain. And hon if your bones are showing that obvious.

DissolvedGirl 3/22/2013 - 1:17 pm

*that’s

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