I hate how inevitable it feels. Like, I can pretend all that I want to be happy or that I have purpose or whatever, but it doesn’t change my fate. Like I’m destined for suicide. It’s what I always come back to, and it’s getting harder and harder to say no to it anymore. I don’t want to say no. I just want to be done with all this pain, and this world only dishes out pain. It isn’t going to end in this lifetime, so it’s like my only shot is in the next. But shit, I’m a Christian, and suicide is a sin. Will I go to Hell? Or will God understand how much I hurt? I don’t want to risk going to an even worse Hell, but idk how much longer I can last here. I want so badly to scream out to all my friends that I want to kill myself, but how selfish would that be? What the heck are they supposed to do? What do I expect? It isn’t fair to lay that burden on them, so that when they try to help and I kill myself anyway, they’ll feel guilty. No, I can’t do that to them. I wish they’d just find out by accident or something and save me. But I can’t keep hope in rescue fantasies. I just wish I could get help without my parents or anyone else finding out. If I tell my counselor, she’ll put me in a psych ward or something. I can’t do that, so what choice do I have but to keep feeling this way. Only, I can’t keep feeling this way. I have to get out. I have to die. I just don’t want to hurt anyone. I understand why they shouldn’t really hurt by it, but I know they will be. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel so trapped and panicked. I want out, and I have the means. I have plenty of pills, a razor, a rope tied in a noose, not to mention bridges and buildings galore if need be. I could do it anytime. I don’t know what’s stopping me anymore. Nobody understands, and nobody wants to listen. Can’t people tell? Don’t they know that signs? Why am I so invisible?
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
1 comment
i feel the same way as you. i have the benefit of being an atheist and so i know that when i die there’s no heaven or hell. it’s difficult to conceive but you need to understand that there is nothing after death. you wont burn in hell and there is no next or past life. and suicide isnt a sin.
the key is to understand that youre not living for yourself – youre living for others – because they’ll be sad if you die. if anything, the real sin is the people who try to hold on to you when youre suffering. you need to make that decision to live for yourself and if you cant… then not at all.
understand that im not telling you what to do or suggesting what to do. im just being honest. the choice is ultimately yours. i personally have decided that i cant live for myself and im waiting for the opportunity to take my own life.
regardless, good luck in all of your endeavors.