I’m 29. I have a wife, two kids, a  job, a home, a dog, a master’s degree, friends, etc.
Nothing makes me happy. Nothing excites me. I look forward to nothing. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I do nothing at work, and then nothing at home. Every day. Everyday I feel like I’m on the edge of a cliff about to fall off. I’m terrified someone will ask me Do you even care about me? This job? Anything? and I’ll answer honestly: no.
I don’t ever see myself caring about this absurd existence. I don’t matter. The people I know don’t matter. No one matters. This whole damn planet doesn’t matter. What’s the point?
As much as death seems appealing, I know I don’t have it in me to kill myself. Instead, I’ll just keep treading water until something else kills me. Soon I hope.
2 comments
You say all day long you feel as though you are doing “nothing”. Is there anything in your mind that would qualify as “something”? Is there something you want to be doing but currently aren’t? It doesn’t have to be something realistic either. Your answer could be that you’d rather be climbing mountains halfway around the world or an astronaut or something. It’s just a thought exercise, be as unrealistic as you want, the point is trying to find out if there is ANYTHING you want. Is there anything you wish you were doing? Basically, is your depression about desires that are not being fulfilled by your current lifestyle, or is your depression that you feel no desires for anything at all? You don’t like what you currently have and can’t picture liking anything else either? I myself am in the boat where I am very depressed about my situation but I do have a few things in mind that I think would make it better, just that I really suck at reaching my goals.
Depression is strange. I would say you sound more along the lines of clinical depression. Wife, kids, house, job, friends, but not happy anyways. I’m 26, no wife, no girlfriend, no job, no real friends left, just spent my birthday alone, tiny little apartment that I sit in every day rotting. I can point out the reasons why I’m depressed. I don’t think it’s a mystery and I don’t think I need a doctor or pills, I think I’m having a normal response to lonliness and failure. Your life sounds good to me and would probably sound good to most people, so I’m no expert but that seems like the type of depression that could use some treatment. Unless of course, as in my first questions above, if there is something you want in your life but currently don’t have it – then there’s an actual cause for the way you feel. But if you feel like you have everything that you always thought you wanted but wound up feeling empty – that kind of depression is harder to figure out.
Typical questions you could ask yourself, have you ever tried talking to someone, would you be open to medication etc.
With a wife and two kids I would hope you can find some desire to get yourself back on track and have a desire to be here. Someone with my lifestyle could be wiped from the planet with about as much impact as cutting down a tree. There’s no wife or kids to miss me who would have to figure out how to go on without me. My death would result in an apartment being available for rent and that’s about it.
In the same sense I can also kind of choose to be selfish, if I don’t want to talk to a therapist or if I don’t feel like messing with medications, I don’t have to. It’s just me in my apartment with nobody worried about me. You’ve got a family so even if it’s not really something that interests you you might want to try talking to somebody.
I’m very unhappy with my life but I do have a few things I would like to do to see if it can improve. If you can think of anything then you should go for it. But if you’re trapped in this nihilistic viewpoint where nothing in life seems to have any value, well, especially now that you’ve brought two kids into the world, this life does have value, even if it’s nothing more than to raise them right.
@noonereally: Everything you said in your third paragraph happens to be correct. You’re right, none of this matters in the long run. That said, people aren’t just depressed and suicidal for no reason – we aren’t biologically wired for it.
Even with the knowledge that none of this matters, people whose biochemistry is stable don’t seek their own end. With all the good things in your life – the things most of us desperately desire – the fact that you’re depressed speaks of an imbalance to me. I would consult a psychiatrist because you’re not going to feel any better until your brain chemistry is brought back into balance.
Mental illness is a real thing. It doesn’t mean you’re crazy, it doesn’t invalidate your life, accomplishments, or future, but it does mean you’re going to feel like shit if you have one. however, mental illness is a blanket term that people fear unnecessarily. As far as you’re concerned, it probably just means a few jumbled chemicals that are preventing you from feeling satisfaction. You can feel better, but it will take some trial and error on the medication front. I hope you’ll pursue it.
By the way, if you’re bored with your wife you could always toss her my direction 😛 Don’t take the people in your life for granted.