Thinking of ending it.

I have reached the a point in my life where certain patterns have repeated themselves. These patterns once thought under control have so gone out of control that the pattern is now a real relative in my life. This pattern at first was just bad emotional output on my part, then the second time occurred and its all the same all over again the exact same way it ended the last time. The last time I lost two very dear things close to me and now I have no chance of ever seeing them again due to my own stupid decision. This time the thing that has caused me to spiral out of my own self-comfort zone, to where the depression is hitting me the hardest and instead of letting me go the thing leaves me hanging. While in my head I know the thing is just deceiving me, its hard to let it go for its all I have known for five years. While I do feel theres more to get out of life, I have no drive or motivation to do so, and also things I did while younger have prevented me from attaining my either true or hidden potential. While most of my problems I have only myself to blame this pattern that persists is too much for well I feel the strongest man to handle. To think that something is wrong with you in particular that drives these precious things away from you, has really got me. And while most will say that its only a fluke, or just a strange coincidence, its just hard to believe that I am not the cause. I have been receiving help and while it does work for about a day its just not doing it, I have tried every single thing I can think of to keep my mind off the depression that I feel slowly coming onto me like the tide at a beach. Nothings working the thoughts persist and I am only so strong by myself you know. And if I have reached a point where neither medicine or professional help are helping I feel that nothing will, and I just can’t face not ever being not depressed, i want to be healthy but its getting so tough to stay strong. My family does know and they do help by talking and stuff but its not working. Nothing is working, and it scares me. These feelings I have they scare me, the thoughts I have scare me, and nothing is helping. While i don’t want to hurt anybody with what I want to do to myself, at the same time I don’t think I care anymore and that scares me. I am so scared of myself that I feel dead already.