15 year old confessions

I was at the age of 12 when the bullying started. It was a group of my now former best friends, who would taunt and ridicule me-leaving the young me to feel loneliness and depression. I thought about suicide a lot at 12.

I went on to middle school, where I became a stereotypical nerd. I had very little friends and would often find myself picked last in gym class (yes, things like this actually happened to nerds lol). In my last year of middle school I made it a mission to stay as invisible as possible-I had several friends, never spoke up in class-and almost nobody remembers me. I thought it was better than being picked on as a nerd again. I also faced a lot of social anxiety, like being afraid to participate in a class discussion or be in a large group. I would get panicked and feel terrified.

No one ever knew of my social anxieties.

It was in my first year of high school that I took online courses. For the next two years, I had no friends aside from relatives and very little social interaction. I was unmotivated. I fell behind in school work. I started feeling symptoms of depression again.

After a year of being a vegetarian-an ethical decision that no one supported me in-I found myself back to eating like everyone else.  I stopped exercising and eating healthy, because I no longer felt motivated to like I did when I was a vegetarian. It was around that time I developed symptoms of bulimia. I purged more and more in an effort to control my weight. All it did was make me feel worse about myself. 🙁

I’ve had a lot of issues with family members, especially my mom. When I opened up to her about my symptoms of depression, she laughed in my face and told me I was going through a phase.

I wasn’t. It was so much more than that.

With no emotional support my mood kept spiraling down. I always smiled and told everyone I was okay, even when I wasn’t.

And then one day I just had this impulsive feeling. I wasn’t emotional, or angry, or anything really. I was just numb. So I overdosed on a bottle of pills. My sister found out and my mom started crying. She was upset and kept asking me why I did it. They wanted to take me to a hospital but I convinced them that nothing was going to happen to me and they were convinced not to get me medical treatment. I really had a talent for convincing people I was fine. At one point my mom just got mad and yelled at me. She asked me why I had told someone that I overdosed if it didn’t have any effect on me and I just got everyone worried for nothing.

I won’t forget that.

I won’t forget all those times I tried to get help, only to be told that I needed to pray more, or go to church more, or read the Bible more.

Religion never saved me.

I say this because I am lost in a world of religious connections-a church that I attend, a religious family, and religious friends. I am 17. I am still a minor. I can’t get up and leave the things that hurt me the most when I want to.

One day I will get out of this. I will stop forcing myself to stay in a religion that kills me inside. I will find people I can really depend on.

For now, though, I still struggle with not hating myself too much.