Cycle 1 complete (maybe?), hopefully never a cycle 2…

Hi, I’m 12 years old and in the 7th grade. I have never tried to commit suicide but I have considered it. I just want it all to end sometimes, but sometimes I look around and think, “Why would I want to die? There’s so much to live for.” I started cutting about two months ago, but got addicted fast. I didn’t realize it at first. I thought I was in control and I wasn’t. Finally I thought, “This is stupid. I’m done with this.” I managed to not cut for all of 24 hours, then I couldn’t stop myself anymore and cut again. I felt so ashamed and felt like I had no self control. I freaked when I couldn’t stay away from the blade. And what do I do when I freak? I cut. My friend started cutting before me, and I blame myself. I was mad at her and acted like a crappy friend for six months so she had nobody to talk to or confide in. Parents would freak, obviously. I know that. I think she hates me now but nonetheless I wrote a series of poems about what I was going through and sent them to her. I got no acknowledgment from my former best friend, so I turned to suicideproject.org. I kept sending them, but with no response. The poems I wrote are cycled: the last word in every poem is the title of the next one. My cycle is (hopefully) complete with cutting, so “butterflies” ends with the word “red” which is the title of my first poem. My first cycle of cutting and whatever is complete, MAYBE my first cycle of depression. Cutting is my major issue, so I’ve never written about anything else here, but I hope my other issues go away. I hope that a second cycle of cutting never pops up, but I think it will. After all, the only thing I can tell myself now, besides “don’t kill the butterflies on your arms” is “just wait a bit and maybe then we can…again…and it will all be better.” Still, I hope I won’t cut for at least a year, but I doubt I can go long. I’m so afraid of failing…