I’m in my early 20s now and I’ve survived a tough teenage, including several suicidal attemps. I’ve always been an “alternative” girl, listening to non commercial music, not wearing fashionable cloths, not going to the disco, not smoking/bingedrinking/fucking with everyone around. This fact made my life more complicated and allowed a lot of people to talk shit about me and bully me. I’ve tried several times to convince myself that my being unique should be a reason good enough to live, but it didn’t last too long. My family is a normal one, but my parents don’t support me, don’t like what I do and always argue with my decisions.
I went to a specialist for a short while, and was confirmed that all those insecurities that still haunt me are due to depression, telephonephobia and paranoia. But, since in the country I live in psychological help and meds are very expensive, I couldn’t and still can’t afford it.
I have very few friends and most of them live hundreds of miles away. I have a boyfriend too, we’ve been together for a couple of months now. But, as my best friends, he lives too many miles away. He’s a formerly depressed guy and probably my first bf to actually understand what I feel. But, the fact we’re apart for months, makes my mind think, for example when he’s busy and doesn’t answer me or he’s out with his friends while I’m home alone (as always), that he may change his mind and don’t like me anymore. I have to add that it took around 7 months for him to trust me, because I’m actually his first proper girlfriend, since all the other girls whom he’s been in love with, only have played with his heart and left. So, I’ve suffered a lot and still do, because I fear to lose him saying or doing something wrong. Â And that he could find someone else, living closer to him, to love.Â This fear comes up any fucking time I open my mouth or drop him a line.. expecially because he’s always surrounded by gals way more attractive/funnier/nicer than me, who almost live next door. He enjoys spending time with them, but he says I shouldn’t worry, because he’s mine and that all those chicks put him in the friendzone anyway. Also, he says he’s really happy because he has me and so is his family. He says he believes in me and that he’s proud of me, and tries to write me some nice words anytime I feel down. But I feel his help distant from me, and often misunderstand his attempts to help me, because often need a hug more than a cold line dropped on facebook (but, since we Â are in a long distance relationship and we meet for a few days every 4 months, this can’t happen). So, I keep on hiding my most of bad days and depression feelings, because I fear I may lose him. I mean, I trust him, but anytime I see him joking with another gal, joining their parties or being pictured together with them, I die a little inside, because my fat ass is miles and miles away and can’t do nothing but suffer in silence. And recently I’ve started having suicidal thoughts, because the few friends I had here in the city I’m studying in have given up their studies or move, so I don’t have anyone anymore. I find it extremely difficult to join a gym, go to parties or hang out looking for new friends. I’m very shy and insecure. I always feel like it’s all my fault.
I’m currently writing my BA thesis, will graduate next autumn. My bf has suggested we could move together, which means I’ll have to change country, to one where I don’t understand any language. They have two official languages and I don’t know shit about either of them. Which means it’ll be difficult to find a job and if Â I won’t find any within the first 3 months there, they’re gonna kick me out of the country. I’ll graduate in foreign languages, I currently can speak 3 languages fluently and 2 more well, but not the ones they speak there. I feel I’ll 100% fail at it and become a disappointment for my bf and myself. So my suicidal thoughts are nowadays mostly related to my fear of failing, not being good enough and losing my few close ones, expecially my bf. I understand I’ll possibly be a great disappointment for him if I kill myself, but I can’t think about anything but having enough of this life and being done with it.
I’ve been suggested that I should start doing something new. Tried and failed after a few days. I fear talking about this to other people, because many of them didn’t understand me in the past and just tried to minimize my problems. The only one I trust is my bf, but I fear to lose him if I say to him that I have to cry every hour, even during the night or when I’m out, that I think about suicide everyday and that the more happiness he gives me, the more pain I later feel, because I feel like I’m not good enough and that as soon as he’ll find someone better who won’t put him in the friendzone, he’ll leave, like everyone has done so far. My fears are bigger than my trust towards him atm, and anytime I think about it I feel like shit. I fear that if I’ll tell him about it, he’ll leave me for not trusting him.
I’ve not written this for anyone in particular or to get some whorish attention. I just needed to write down my thoughts and cry my soul out of me until the very last drop, like it happened while writing this. But suggestions, if any, are welcome.