The clock is ticking and time is running out. I know not for my life, yes I do want something more. I want so many things in life and there are so many things I wanted to do and bring to this world. I want to bring happiness to others, I want to find happiness for myself, I want to be a father, I want to be content.
I want to be happy. I want to smile for something I’ve done not something I’ve seen. I want to laugh because I feel good inside not because it’s the appropriate thing to do. There’s so much good and strength in me but I’m weighed down by the bad and weakness that envelopes my heart. I want to continue on, but I’m almost out of time before I’m all alone again.
I’ve posted here before and on other accounts. I’ve told my story so many times it’s lost all meaning. Everything of my past has lost all meaning. I don’t understand people anymore. I don’t understand love anymore, I know I want it. The world scares me, but also the end scares me. All that’s left is the sheer fact that I’m a bad person now, yes I have/had good qualities, but that’s no longer what defines me. I’ve lost everything. Everything I’ve ever owned. My drive, my ambition, my self worth. I’m in so much debt. I have countless issues with the authorities because of the love of my life. My family has not only abandoned me but cast me out from ever returning. All of my friends abandoned me. I was homeless for the majority of last year. The only reason I have a roof over my head is someone I met at a bar took me in, but my time here is almost up. I thank him for his generosity, although I’ve never thought I deserved any of it. I can’t take being not only homeless again but being alone. I have nothing to call my own. I’ve lost everything.
As much as I long to continue on I’m too broken and weary to push anymore. I just want this pain to stop and the hole in my heart to go away. While yes I’d like to find new good things in my life, I still cannot forget everything I’ve lost. I’ve never been proud of myself or anything I’ve ever  accomplished except when I was with my ex. We were supposed to get married, we were supposed to have a career, I was going to be a father. I looked up to her, I still do. I still want the very best for her and I hope she gets it. I was so damn happy with my life and everything that was supposed to come. I want it back but I know I never can. Nothing can ever be the same for me. That much is definite.
I don’t even see the power in me to create anything good anymore. I know there will always be the ‘you just have to try’ and ‘there are always good things in life’ but I don’t know how I can change my life given everything that’s happened. I’ve been living here for about 3 months now and it’s been nice not thinking about death like I used to. I honestly was hoping in this lapse of time I’d return to find some new method people have found that hasn’t been banned or made unobtainable to the public. Besides asphyxiation I feel all I’m capable of is the Helium Exit Bag or the Charcoal method. The first being difficult to obtain in my situation while the latter I fear causing harm to others. Plus I don’t wanna leave alone and I know that makes me a bad person, if not entirely it does inside of me. I want everyone else to be happy and to live, so how can I ask someone to leave this world with me. I’ve thought about jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge seeing that I’m only 30 minutes away, but I know I’d be too scared (although the drop only being 4 seconds) to follow through once I arrived.
I just don’t know what to do anymore and I can’t continue on much longer alone.
8 comments
There’s something I have come to notice about the world, there are more people out there! People that when you meet them, they will become everything to you and they will care about you. Don’t let yourself down, you will find things that will make you happy and there are people out there that care about you. DON’T GIVE UP!
It’s not that I don’t want to meet these people. Just the journey is something my heart can no longer handle. Thank you though.
Life is something that has its ups and downs. I would know, I wanted to kill myself sometime ago by jumping off a bridge too. But I met with my family from another state and I found myself. People will always be there to help you even when you are at your worst.
Wish I could say that was possible, out of anyone that has been involved in my life they’ve all left me.
you have no family in another place? well then I suggest going on vacation. go to aruba and have a good time. sometimes its just nice to get away. and if you don’t have the money or the time, try to save up and create a date to go! relaxing is also good
As much as I wished to keep things separate and it makes me feel like I can never follow through this is my story. http://suicideproject.org/2012/07/a-much-needed-closing-statement/
Since then I’ve been charged, now in 60k+ debt and abandoned. And without a residence or job (since no one will take me in permanently) I am currently wanted by the law. I still love my ex and will always love her. I know there are no chances of ever getting my life back. At least anything that resembles it.
As of late I’ve been dealing with what I guess a of people who have been wrongly accused deal with. Although I’ve done nothing wrong in the eyes of those who don’t know me but only know my charges I will always be seen as a domestic abuser. I feel so low about myself, lets say she even did take me back I wouldn’t let her I know I’m such a worthless piece of shit now I could never bring her anything she deserves in life.
The civil case was dropped, fortunately a judge found there to be no grounds for her to even be following through with it. So fortunately I’m not condemned to be a sex offender or anything. And if she pushed the issue she would be caught trying to get this money she claimed out of me (the money the state already had given her) and she would be ‘double dipping.’
Since being charged it’s been a steady back and forth of trying to put myself together, getting abandoned, wanting to die, being homeless and starting back over again.
I just can’t take being homeless and alone again.
Wow… if i had not watched someone i deeply adored do almost the exact same sudden-evil change, i would not believe it was possible. I guess i was “lucky” that she (probably involuntarily) protected me from herself. And yet, i can’t help but wonder if she’s out there somewhere, planning horrible things.
People like that don’t deserve to be alive. If i was me in your situation, i would be unable to resist the compulsion for revenge. She’s lucky you’re not me.
Maybe you should have been beating her that whole time. Maybe then one little incident wouldn’t have sent her into ultra-nemesis mode. Maybe she’d have been like “oh, i just fell, no biggie!”
The picture you paint with your words, is just… well, as unbelievable as it gets, except that i’ve seen someone suddenly change in the same way, so i know it can actually happen. It’s like they’re just suddenly an entirely different, utterly evil person.
Maybe she’s a paranoid schizo or something, and imagined all kinds of delusions, which she now believes are real, since they’re in her mind causing feelings… so they must be true, right?
You can either try to figure out a way to get her some help, from afar… or… let her win. And i’m quite certain “letting her win” will gain you nothing, and possibly even more hardship.
That really sucks man. I have to think i know what my own choice would be, in your shoes. I’d be utterly consumed by revenge.
I think you should look into men’s advocacy groups… see if there’s any way to make yourself feel okay enough again to accomplish something worthwhile with your remaining time.