My boyfriend and I just got in a fight. Beginning because I wouldn’t send him pictures. He got mad because I sent ONE to a kid over a year ago, as I went through my freshman slut phase. I told him it was a mistake and not to talk about. But he kept dwelling on it. I started crying because this is what it causing my pain again. People bringing up the old me and bashing on me. He kept asking why I was crying and I just kept telling him he wouldn’t understand. Finally, I reminded him of my depression, which he then reminded me he once held a gun to his mouth. I told him is has different affects on different people. He kept yelling at me and I told him to stop acting like he knew everything. I hung up on him. He texted me, “This is why you’re the immature one. Because you do stuff like this.” I hate this. I just wish I had someone who wouldn’t fight with me nonstop everyday. I always see those happy couples who sometimes squabble over something silly. I bet they don’t fight over the stuff my boyfriend and I do. We almost broke up in the heat of the fight that started because I was sniffing while I had my cold and he was trying to watch a movie. Just..why? I hate hanging out with my only guy friend sometimes because I can’t help but wonder, would we fight if we dated? Would he treat me this way? And I have to shake the thought away because I’m “in love” with my boyfriend. And I am. I’m in love with the good in him that I get to see sometimes. And I have a deep hatred for the bad side in him because he yells at me and insults me. I’m beginning to wonder about him being bipolar or having a slight case of multiple personality disorder. The psychology teacher at my school explained some small symptoms of it, which he matches almost too perfectly. But then I remember, he grew up without a dad due to him being drugged out, so he was raised with 3 girls and no male influences. So of course he’d be somewhat moody and sensitive, and have my lady friends than guy friends. But here I am, making up these dumb excuses like it’s okay what he said to me 5 minutes ago. And it’s not okay. If I can feel my tear-stained cheeks, it’s not okay.
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Okay so… sending someone a picture now constitutes a “freshman slut phase?” I’m pretty sure slut doesn’t mean “sending someone a picture.” If you were actually being a slut, while you had a boyfriend, i doubt it’s the picture he’s upset about.
You don’t get to decide what someone talks about. You can demand and insist all you like, but it won’t change what is important to someone else.
Your actions become written in history, as a past you cannot change. Those actions also shape who people think you are, so… “bringing up the old me” is really just them seeing you as the combined total of what they know, rather than who you insist you are, after some “change.” It takes a while for people to accept that you’re “not like that anymore.”
He’s trying to communicate to you that he understands how it feels to hurt, by reminding you of his previous almost-attempt. Whether or not he’s “right,” he’s upset with your behavior, and he probably thinks you’re using “depression” as an excuse to mistreat him, which, of course, most people would be pretty irritated about, and most people who get angry end up yelling.
As for the rest… you probably both have lots of growing up to do. People fight sometimes, sometimes about stupid things. What you’ve written seems to indicate impeded communication, between people who aren’t sure what they really want, and seem to both think the other is not who they expect the other to be… and yet, are so desperately attached to each other…
Maybe you’re both co-dependent?
If you both care about each other enough to claim to be “in-love,” then stupid fights shouldn’t change that… but you should both be trying to avoid fighting about stupid things.
Some people have to lose what they have, to learn the value of what they had… but not everyone.
You say you’re making excuses for something implied-horrible that he has said to you, but… have you attempted to consider why he might be saying those things? Both of you should try to see it from both sides. Also, don’t forget that words are just words. People get mad and say stupid shit, sometimes. People often don’t know wtf they’re talking about, and anger doesn’t help that situation at all… though neither does ceasing communication. If you don’t communicate, you can’t solve anything.
My boyfriend and I were not dating last year. He was mad that I had sent a picture before and why I wouldn’t send him one. I told him I needed self-respect. He always asks for naked pictures and I tell him no everytime. Sorry, I feel like I may have left out a few details here and there that might have been important. And actually, the old me did shape me to who I am now, because now I know how it feels to be the one picked on and the one everyone talked about and not in a good way. And maybe I haven’t changed at all, perhaps I simply matured since last year.
And in a way I haven’t, because I don’t like to fight back with him. I let him say what he wants, because no matter what I say, it’s wrong. He admits to picking fights. But he doesn’t know why he does it.
He has done some bad stuff. Stuff that scares the daylights out of me. And that’s another story.
I know I’m not perfect, and I don’t expect him to be. I just am tired of feeling pressured. Pressured into sex.
“But he doesn’t know why he does it.”
Huge problem. I would advise not being around anyone who “doesn’t know why” they do the things they do.
Also, why would anyone remain with someone they did not want to have sex with?
Why is sex so terrible that it requires “pressuring” someone into it? If he has to “pressure you into it,” then… doesn’t that mean that you don’t just naturally want to do that with him? And isn’t that as good a reason as any, to not want to be with someone?
If you don’t want to have sex with this person, and all you two do is fight fights he picks, without even knowing why he does things…
Why are you “in-love-with” this person? It makes zero sense. Maybe you both need some time apart to think about yourselves, each other, others, and life.
You can’t change the past, but you can change how you approach the rest of your todays and tomorrows. You’ll just have to accept that some people will judge you by things you can’t change, no matter how much you may regret them, no matter how much you may try to “be a different and better person.” Some people are not willing to understand that. You should find people who are willing to accept who you are, rather than insisting you will always be your mistakes, thereby negating anything you might have learned from them, or any changes you’ve made. Don’t let “those people” keep you shackled to who you now see you didn’t want to continue to be. Be as you as you can, today. Learn from mistakes and move on, and don’t stay around people who want to insist that you’ll always be that person who made those mistakes, rather than becoming the person who learned from them, and tried to change.
But i would suggest not hanging up on people. It’s not nice. Only in extreme cases should someone be completely disregarded. You might hate things someone said, and that someone might be a jerk… but we all need to remember to be human, and to treat others as though humanity actually matters.
I’m the one who’s not ready. I’m scared that after, I’ll be so attached. And what if we broke up? I would’ve given him my virginity..I guess it’s not that I don’t want to..I’m just scared. I’ve been played a lot and manipulated into thinking they actually liked me. And they didn’t. So getting attached is scary to me.
What exactly is the ‘good’ in him that you love? A little laugh or a little gleam in his eyes? Only pricks get women.
He’s got a good heart, he’s good to his family, he’s protective, he genuinely cares, he has a lot of potential, he’s thoughtful and considerate, he has a lot going for him, he’s SO smart in his studies, he just…has his cons…everyone does. Bret Michaels knew what he was saying when he said every rose has it’s thorn..
Yeah true, but most roses are actually just thorns. Real roses usually don’t get noticed or appreciated, in some ways thats half the beauty of the rose.
I get the feeling you haven’t been able to get a girlfriend because the “good ones” go for the hot douchebags. Well let me tell you any girl that chooses one of those guys over someone with far more potential isn’t worth the time. My boyfriend is not one of those guys every girl wants, he could not get a girlfriend for the life of him forever. But I look past it and welcomed him into my heart because unlike a lot of girls, I’m not shallow. Real roses get appreciated by those who deserve it.