I’m 12 years old with suicidal feelings… Normal?

When I was 8 year old, I thought I was living a perfect life. I had both parents living with me. I had a older brother and older sister who took good care of me. I thought everything was going alright… I now know what a lie I was living.

My Dad was a alcoholic. My siblings tried their hardest to hide this fact from me. It worked and I didn’t know much about my Dad. I only knew that he comes home from work at night to sleep which was a lie. He was unemployed. He came home every night to take my brothers money. He would yell a lot and my sister would sleep and cuddle me on my bed whenever this occurred trying her best to hide this fact from me.

Mom was always was in her room. Doors locked. I later found out she had a bunch of needles in her room. She took the drugs, and slept all day. She was unemployed as well.

My brother was a very shy and quiet boy. He, I know for a fact loved me and he worked two part-time jobs to pay for all expenses. He always bought me gifts and showed great affection towards me. I thought of him as my Dad when I was small because he acted like one even though he was only 18. He had his own car as well and always drove us to places and took us out.

My sister was my best friend. She was 16.  She always played with me. She cleaned the house a lot and protected me from knowing our real parents livelihood. She was quiet as well, and she always laughed and had a great time with my brother. Her and our brother were really close.

May 18, 2009. I woke up late afternoon knowing I was late for school and not sure why my siblings didn’t wake me up. My sister wasn’t sleeping on her bed so I went to the living room and that’s where my life changed forever. My brother and sister were dead on the floor. They took a knife… and took their own lives *sad* *crying*. My brother died first according to Police, then my sister after seeing my brother dead that morning.

I know I have to be strong but I can’t handle it anymore. I’m now 12 years old, I started my period this year and now I feel so guilty about what happened. Life has changed so much, I called the police, they came and took me away. I have been seeing psychiatrics, psychologists, paramedics, doctors. I wish my siblings were alive.

I found out my brother was heavily in debt and that he owed the bank, people, and friends money before he killed himself. Dad beat him up sometimes according to doctors who saw other marks on his body. My sister cried before taking her life. My sister used the same knife to kill herself.

I miss them so much all of a sudden. I can’t live. Why would my brother and sister not ask for help? Why take their own life? Why not tell me?