To simply die would not be enough.

I’ve been arguing with myself over the topic of suicide for a while now. I randomly came across this site from a Google search about suicide and felt inclined to sign up and post something. I’ll be surprised if anyone even reads this. Or comments. Or offers help.

I’m deeply, horribly depressed, and I don’t get why. I’ve never been abused. I’ve never lost a loved one. I don’t come from a broken family. I grew up in a comfortable lifestyle. I have no reason to be depressed. Alas, I am. I’m empty inside.

Although I grew up in a comfortable home, I never had friend growing up. I have been overweight ever since I was very young, and this turned into a reason for all of my peers to relentlessly tease me. I can remember being ridiculed as early as the first grade. Kids would make a game out of chasing the fat kid around the playground until I fell. At which point, they would laugh and point and call me mean names, kick me, and throw rocks at me. Naturally, I became very bitter. And very angry. I grew to have a very short temper, along with hating everyone.

I harbored, even fostered this intense hate. I let it grow inside of me. It got to the point where no one would even approach me. This led me to not having any friends. I tried to find places to fit in all through middle and high school. I played football, I took up an instrument and became very involved in band, I tried to be a cowboy, I tried to be Gothic, I tried to be edge, but no matter where I went, I didn’t fit in. I finally made some ‘friends’ towards the end of high school. They were, at least, people that would let me hang out with them. They didn’t help my problems. If anything, they compounded them. They referred to me more often as ‘fat ass f—–‘ (I’m leaving my last name out for obvious reasons) than anything else.

They also introduced me to alcohol. I started drinking very heavily at the age of 18. I always had at least a gallon of various hard liquors stashed in my room, and I would get wasted every night.

I’ve only had a handful of girlfriends. After my first one dumped me, I got drunk and walked around my neighborhood whole cutting myself. I came home with over 50 deep, bleeding cuts on my arms and hands. That was the first time I tried, unsuccessfully, to reach out for help.

I then moved. I kept drinking. I was doing nothing with my life but drink. I would get so drunk, I would black out and have no memories of what I did that night. One morning, I had torn vocal chords and someone else’s blood on my knuckles.

Another morning, I woke up with 47 stitches in my arm. I vaguely remember being in the emergency room. My roommate told me I did that to myself with a knife.

A few Months later I had a pair of detectives show up at my doorstep with criminal charges over something I had done whilst drunk.

I quit drinking after that day, and I moved home. I’ve been sober for two years now.

In the years since I moved home, my life has improved dramatically. But I’m still horribly depressed.

I’m 22, and in debt up to my ears and have nothing to show for it. My legal battle ended costing me almost 30k.

I’m still tormented every day, plagued with guilt and remorse for what I did, for the damage I did to my victim.

I met a girl who I fell in love with. We dated for a year and a half. She helped me through many struggles, including my legal fight and a few suicidal moments. She was my life. My everything. She dumped me about a month ago.

I just found out she’s in a relationship already. Maybe even engaged.

Something snapped inside of me when I found out.

I have no friends. My family is disconnected from me. I’ve been nothing but a disappointment to them, and I think they are just done with me.

Death would be a sweet release. I know, however, that it would still tear my family up if I took my own life, despite the fact I’m the black sheep of the family.

To simply die would not be enough.

I want to erase my existence from the records of humanity completely. I’ve done nothing but harm with this pathetic excuse for a life I have.

This is my first post here. I doubt anyone will read it. But it felt nice to finally get all of this off of my chest.