I wasn’t planning on posting here for another couple of days, but recent circumstances have altered my plans. June 27, 2010 is the day that one of my best friends took his own life. I write a memorial post here each year on that day as a way for me to remember him by. Last night another one of my friends committed suicide. It’s been numbing, as I’ve realized how little it affects me. Not because I don’t care, as this is a person that I had a great deal of respect for, and someone that I genuinely enjoyed being around. I know he had been struggling for a long time, and I can accept his very personal decision to end his own life. I think that’s the viewpoint I’ve gained since going through a suicide before and dealing with my own suicidal thoughts.
I met Nic a few years ago, and he seemed to be happy enough. He was funny, charismatic and intelligent. Maybe a little bit weird or awkward or any other word that you’d like to use. But who isn’t? I liked him. He was real and I could really appreciate that. As I began to grow closer I found his constant references and jokes about suicide to be slightly off-putting, due to my own past experience. I wondered about the degree of truth behind it all. As it turns out, it was all too real.
As I said before, his death itself wasn’t as devastating as it was to others. It wasn’t my first time. I kind of know the drill, if that’s something that can ever be said on a topic such as this. But there’s a bit of a personal twist for me. In January I started dating a girl that I had had feelings for for quite some time. I guess he had also been vying for her for quite some time. She wasn’t interested in him, and made that perfectly clear to him many times. She told him that beyond her own lack of feelings, she didn’t want to date someone that she was friends with. Enter me. We had been friends for a while, and when he found out that we were dating, he lost it a bit. The end result was him ending up in the psyche ward at our local hospital. I felt terrible. We weren’t best friends or anything, so I wasn’t quite aware of his situation entirely. Both with his own depression and his feelings for her.
I didn’t visit him in the hospital. I didn’t know how he would react to seeing me, knowing that I was with someone that he so very much wanted to be with. I knew deep down that he would have an adverse reaction to her dating anyone, but the fact that it was me, and he was someone that I cared about really made it difficult. I talked to him at school once with a mutual friend in early February, and he seemed off. Very quiet. I assumed embarrassment about his time in the hospital, as he was a proud and secretive person. I respected him for that and knew that I might not exactly be at the top of his list of people he wants to see. That was the last time I had any direct contact with him. He attempted suicide in March, I believe it was, although I only know this through mutual friends. He had been in and out of the hospital a few times, and it broke my heart. Then, last night, I received the call that he had passed away. I’m still not sure how I feel about it all.
If I learned anything from my first experience with suicide, it’s that every person needs to do what is best for themselves, and make themselves happy first and foremost. If everyone could do that, we would all be happy, and that is really the ideal situation. So I don’t regret dating her. I don’t regret continuing to do so. I just feel selfish. He’s gone, and I am here. I’ve been happy lately. The happiest I think I have ever been. Certainly the happiest since I had begun self-harming and thinking of suicide. Ultimately I know that no single person could have made him happy. It was deep within himself that the unhappiness originated. But the feeling of guilt is still there for me. I at least wish that I had talked to him about my own experiences with depression and the affiliated emotions. I really should have been there for him, even if he was still mad at me.
Nic is resting now though. The world that had been so difficult is now gone. For that I am happy. He was a great person. He is a great person. He will forever live on in my heart, and I hope that in some form he is able to forgive me. I was just trying to be happy, Nic. I love you so very much, and I miss you. I hope that in leaving this earth you have achieved that which you wanted to. Be it freedom, peace, rest or the afterlife. Whatever you desired, I wish with all of my heart that it is now yours.
Sleep well, my friend. May eternal peace be with you.
2 comments
His choices were not your’s to control – nor were your choices his to control … many people get obsessed with things that they have no control of and let opportunities they could have controlled slip by. Additionally – it’s not our “job” to “make” others happy … our “job” is to make ourselves happy.
Based on your post … it was clear that there was no relationship potential between the girl and your friend and everyone was aware of it … no guilt should be carried for that … it CANNOT be your responsibility that your friend could not accept “no” for an answer and move on … that was his issue to resolve, not yours. If it had been me in your friend’s place – and i really cared about this girl – i’d want her happiness to be the most important thing … if she could not be happy with me, then better she be at least happy with someone i like and respect and trust – like one of my good friends.
Too many people go along in live with the attitude of “if i can’t have her, no one can” – it’s a naive, negative, selfish and hurtful attitude to have. You sound like a good, respectful and honest friend – i find it honorable that you recognize the difficult choice to not visit your friend at his difficult time – i cannot know if that was the right decision or if the opposite would have been better … what i DO know – it’s a decision that cannot be re-decided in a “do over” chalk it up as experience. just because there “might” have been a better choice, does not mean we made the “wrong choice”
I know i never visited my grandmother when she was put in a nursing home – could not bear to see her like that – time i think back, like you – i think it might have been better if i did go … if the situation would arise again with a family member i think i WOULD go see them … and maybe you will do that with a future friend, but that is your choice either way … and neither is right or wrong.
We make the decisions we can best handle for ourselves at the time, with the available information AT THAT MOMENT … any analysis after that moment is merely academic since that moment can never be relived … this means the choice we made was the best one FOR that moment AT that moment.
Free yourself of the self imposed guilt – learn and grow from the experience … and hug the girl 🙂
forgiveness dawg
Heartbreaking story…