never going to be okay

Well, I’m the girl everyone thinks is happy. They all come to me with their problems. No one would suspect that I’ve dealt with depression and suicidal thoughts as long as I can remember…
I know the first time I remember wanting to die was when I was 7 years old. When I voiced this thought to my mother, she said she would hit me if I ever said that again.
I remember I was about 12 or 13 when I first started cutting and starving myself. No one thought anything of my rapid weight loss; kids go through stages where they suddenly lose their baby fat.
I went to juvi at 12…. dropped out of school at 15…
Many close family members, including my brother like cousin and my dear grandma, have passed on. Its difficult when the few people who care about you die, leaving you all alone. I’ve never had many friends. The one friend I have I can’t bring myself to talk to about any of this. I fear if I told any one they would over react, or be too okay with it.
I got laid off my job in january… ever since I have filled out atleast 20 applications each month, but no one calls back. I’m still living with my alchoholic abusive mother and control freak father. Id move out if I could but I can’t afford it. Its hell here. We are all just as broken as eachother, pretending everything is okay. Every day I think more and more about just getting it over with. I doubt I can stand it another month. People always tell me their problems. I feel bad for them sometimes, and I know a lot of people have it worse than me! but I can’t help asking What about me? They would never notice if I was having a bad day.
I don’t know if id ever kill myself… but I like to keep these bottles of oxycodone and vicodin around just in case.
I doubt ill ever be okay. I’m forever alone.