I have always been taught that patience is a virtue; that good things come to those who wait. I have lived on this Earth now for 18 years, I am still waiting.
My life so far has been… Gentle, in many ways. My familly are able to provide for me: I have food and a bed, I even have a little money of my own. They say that you can take a horse to water but that you cannot make him drink: though I have food I have no appetite, and though I have a bed I am rarely able to sleep. It seems to me that slowly, over the course of years, my life has simply become darker, more lonely and more painful. Many of my familly members have been ill or died, and as an only child my parents deny me isolation or personal space to Come to terms with this. A pressure has built up in my mind: I literally hear voices and cannot sleep. For no reason I can discern I have become isolated from my emotions, rarely registering anything other than a dull blanket pall of  what I assume is depression.
Having no strength or resolve left in me I have dropped school and now spend my days staring blankly at walls. They tell me to be more sociable: I have tried sociable; 16 years of it. Other people cannot help me, many of those I have confided in have developed depression also: the nagging irrational part of my brain blames me for one of their suicides. My parents had a brief attempt to ‘sort me out’ with a counsellor, but after that didn’t work they yell at me every day: shouting that I never do my chores and that I should be more helpfull and respect my Father (who has cancer) enough to do a few household tasks. Â I want to but my limbs have forgotten how.
i now know my bedroom wall incredibly well, but with my parents threatening to throw me out I may be losing that also. They say that good things come to those who wait, that it will all get better in time. If they are lying I live only because of a lie. I want to know what ‘better’ feels like; I think I have forgotten.
My bedroom wall beacons me: I go now to answer its call.
My patience is running out: I have always thought that the wall would look better in red.
4 comments
I’m sorry you feel this way. I’m almost to that breaking point. Look, if you need to talk to anyone, email me. frejashinepaws@gmail.com
And red is one of my favorite colors 🙂
“I literally hear voices,” if you hear voices (like the sound seems like it’s coming into your ears) then you should tell someone. Your parents and/or counselor it’s very serious.
I offer assistance if you know what i mean..
Patience is a virtue… mostly to others, because it’s easily exploitable.
Patience is one of those things where you have to “pick your spots.” Sometimes the only right thing to do is calmly wait for something to change. Other times, the exact opposite is true: you must immediately take action and go forth and manifest whatever needs to occur, and waiting will only waste your time.
Learn to know, without relying on someone else to tell you whether you should be patient, or leap into action and make something happen. This is one of the most important keys or “tricks” to a successful life.