Suicide..

I have had a really hard life. And I bet a lot of you people reading this have had one too. But not all.. This is my story…

Hi, I am a fourteen year old girl who has been humililated, tortured, and bullied my whole life. I don’t have friends. I am very anti-social. I am home schooled because of everything that has happened. I am only in 8th grade. And My life is a complete hell. I have been bullied for about 9 years now, since the day I moved here. I used to here people in the hall ways, and I was just a little girl. No little girl should have to hear the people she thought were her friends call her such horrible things at such a young age, actually never! But I did. People would even come up to my face and tell me how I am a waste of space, ect. For about 3 years, second grade, i just tried and tried to ignore what everyone was saying about me and my family. But it got really hard day by day. Finally, in about fourth grade i started to believe everything that was being said about me. I am fat, I am dumb, I am not-good-enough, I am a waste of space, I am a b*tch, ect… I then entered middle school with that same attitude, and nothing changed except boys got more judgmental, and girls got more  b*tchy. Everyone blamed me for being the bully and the horrible one. But what no one realized is that i was only that way because everyone made me like that. From all of the tormenting and taunting and teasing and humiliating and sarcasm about me made me the person i was… am today.. Life can be a b*tch people say, well they are completely correct. I was known as the bully by my whole town and shockingly enough my own mother. When ever i tried to tell people why i am the way i am everyone refuses to listen. I guess they just find it easier to blame me. I guess i am.. an easy target. Everyday of school i would wake up thinking about how i would get through one more day of this torment. When 6th grade came, I lost any shred of friends i did have. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE was turned on me at this point. I was alone against the world it felt. i understand people like me are out there all over the world but my heart cant see that. All my heart sees is all of the people around me praying and screaming to take my life. People probably even look over at their calender and see if they won a bet of how long it would take for me to actually call a quits. I did the same. I would wake up and stand up and look in the mirror and pray i was see nothing and i would just be a ghost, a shadow. Nothing.. Like everyone thinks i already am. Some people say they wish they could just wake up and find out that everything was just a big nightmare. But not me. That is a nightmare i wouldnt be able to handle. That would push me over the edge most likely because of the possibilities of how my life could have been. i don’t wish this life on anyone. Yes, I may be spoiled, I may have some nice things. And Yes i do know that there are people out there with way less than me and real horrible lives. But just because i get things doesnt mean i am not depressed. Doesnt mean i dont have feelings. Doesnt mean I can’t hate life. I pray to the god that i dont believe in saying “I would give up everything in the world that i have just to be happy. It went like that from 6th to 7th grade. Finally, 8th grade comes. In the beginning, I had a mini group of friends and i thought my pray came true! But what i didnt know was it was going to pass. They all eventually turned on me. By the middle of the year i was alone, depressed, lonely, and scared. I started to be scared of my own echo because i didnt want to be near anyone because the fear of them judging me was always hanging over my head, like a dark cloud. My paranoia started to become very obvious to everyone but those close to me such as family. They had no idea of anything. Everything inside me was almost gone. People just had drained every inch of me. I was really just, nothing. I started cutting. Cutting gave me a sense of relief. Like my whole life i was not in control of how much pain was caused to myself and how much scars would show and so i was finally in control of it. I controlled how many cuts i have. I control how much pain i cause by how hard i press. I know it may not seem like a lot but it made me forget how much my life really sucked for even a second. Sometimes a second is all anyone needs. I wish people would see how hard i try to please them! But no one does. All i ever hear is you can do better! Or, You’re not doing anything! When honestly it may look that way yes, but inside i am doing this biggest thing anyone could ever have to do, trying to keep myself a live when there seriously isnt much to hold on to anymore. I am losing my grip on reality and was getting ready to end it all. I had a huge fight with my therapist and everything took a turn for the worse. I tried to commit suicide. People say “it may seem like to you it is telling people to leave you alone but to everyone else it is a cry forhelp. It is prob a cry for help ryanne.” No it isn’t I just wish i could close my eyes and one day wake up a be alone. No one to argue with. Be able to be the real me which i am not able to do even in my own house hold. People see I am hiding behind a mask everytime i am around anyone. Even my own family, which is very hard to do. I after a little while tried to commit suicide. I had/ have nothing left inside of me. I am completely empty inside. I wish no one would save me. I wish someone would take all the misery i i cause myself including everyone around me away by just taking my life. If there was a way to end it all without hurting my mother and grandfather, I would do it as fast as light travels.One minute you would see me and the next nothing. But it would not be a big deal because No one would notice if i was gone anyway. It is not like i make an impact in anyones life, or make anyone whole. I am not needed nor loved. I wish that night i tried to take my life i succeeded. People say that i would regret that if i actually did. But honestly I wouldn’t i would be free of all of this sadness and furiousness, and depressing feelings that are eating me alive. I have actually started cutting again. I have been cut free for a while now. People are proud of me. And they say cutting is horrible and the wrong thing to do. And once someone asked me if i could go back and never have cut would i go back? and my answer is always the same and always will be, No i would not go back. I would still have cut. cutting is not wrong to me. It got me to the day i am in now. I know To some people that may seem like a punishment and it really is. But i have my mother to think about. Cutting saved my life. And still is right now…

Sincerely, Nobody.