a brick in the wall

heavy duty shit in therapy yesterday. rejection, dismissal, self hatred etc etc. my psyche is fighting tooth and nail to keep some horrible thing secret. what that is i don’t know. saw the shrink last week. another appointment and a new script. losing faith in pharmaceuticals. there doesn’t seem to be anything out there for me. left the office angry and upset. felt rejected, dismissed, discarded. why exactly i don’t know. the doc didn’t do or say anything particularly egregious. it was like there was something i desperately wanted to communicate but i couldn’t find the words. then my 20 minutes was up. go away. don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. i try very hard to keep my emotions under wraps. it is a lot of work and can be very exhausting. something i learned as a way of protecting myself. so of course i didn’t let on i was upset. what would it accomplish?  not much. just another brick in the wall. been identifying with the Pink Floyd montage a lot lately. i have been building “the wall” at a furious pace. isolating myself from those who would be most affected by my death. the pro-death side of me has been good at convincing me no one really gives a shit. most times i don’t give a shit about me. been putting myself in potentially dangerous situations-driving etc hoping for a fatal outcome. hope is cheap. and because i want to go chances are i won’t.  irony is a *****. there is a time i have in mind but there is no point to sharing it. it is far enough in the future to allow for some miraculous change of heart. i wouldn’t bet on it however.