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Well… I don’t know… I have three older brothers my first brother is 15 years older than me so I pretty much grew up without him, my second oldest brother is 12 years older hes nice sometimes but it seems like he’s always obsessing over me.. He calls me baby and says he loves me and gives me hugs and kisses most of the time forcefully and smacks my butt and I scream at him to stop and my youngest brother is 5 years older than me… He’s my closest brother.. It was so hard for me when he left for college.. I didn’t know what to do.. When he comes home I’m so happy to see him but he never wants anything to do with me.. Just his friends which I don’t care but.. Yeah I wished he paid attention to me.. Sounds selfish but I’ve been alone so much in my life my second oldest brother was very violent with the rest of my family the first time he got kicked out of our house it was because he lashed out on my mom.. Beat her with a fan.. I felt so helpless… Then he threatened to kill my oldest brother.. They were literally both at each others necks with knives. When I was 6 I thought if I commuted suicide then everyone would stahp fighting everyone would be closer. I used to go into my kitchen grab a steak knife and hold it to my heart and just sob..

After my youngest brother left for college all the responsibilities fell on my shoulders I was only in 6th grade.. Only 11 I was starting at a new school but I was fine. Until 8th grade.. That’s when it got bad. I had my first boyfriend he cheated on me.. I kinda suspected it but then my second boyfriend.. He was different I loved him. Truly. People say i didn’t know what I was talking about cuz I was so young but I did love him. He cheated on me and threatened me and called me a slut, whore, *****, etc. because he blackmailed me I got so upset that I stopped eating and sleeping I got pneumonia for 6 weeks followed by walking pneumonia for another 6 weeks I missed a whole week of school.. I was really devastated. I tried overdosing on sleeping meds. But my mom realized how much I was taking and took the meds away. Then a few months later I faked being sick and my aunt bought me pain relievers. I tried overdosing but it didn’t work.. I only took 6 but I did become very sick and drowsy.

The thing that has been bothering me the most that just makes me so upset is that my mom.. I love her. But she loves my brother more so does my dad. I try my hardest to impress them. I got straight A’s and one B+ and my mom said she was disappointed in me.. I went to an advance school with a more advance grading scale than any other college. I didn’t know what to do.. When my brother comes home from college my mom just lights up she’s happy she still yells at me and just basically wants me gone but at least she’s happy… She always referrers me to my second oldest brother.. I’m nothing like him I don’t do drugs of drink alcohol or party or have sex I’m not like that.. But I’m not good enough for my mom.. It just makes me want to end it all. I just want her to love me and say I’m proud of you, I’m proud you’re my daughter..you’re mine. It doesn’t matter.. Imma keep pushing forward I get super depressed sometimes but I just have to push through it sometimes I will go days without eating or sleeping but in the end I’m fine. I just want my mom to know that I love her and I really am trying it may not seem like it… But I am. And I’m sorry I’m not like my brother.. I’ll try for you… I promise one day you will be proud of me.. One day…

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6 comments

RealTalk30 7/8/2013 - 7:00 am

Thanks for sharing your story. And I guess..welcome to the suicideproject. How old are you? Just curious

lilpepper803 7/8/2013 - 7:03 am

15

telly34 7/8/2013 - 10:17 am

It sounds like you are very intelligent and have a lot to live for. I had a similar experience with my family until I realized that living for them was not what made me happy. Things got a lot better for me as I got older and found true, sincere friends. You have a lot to look forward to in life. Don’t let dysfunctional people and a bad start prevent you from enjoying the rest of your life. ๐Ÿ™‚

AtTheEnd 7/8/2013 - 1:51 pm

Do your best in school for yourself. Its your life. I know you want your mom to be rpoud of you but humans arent always the nicest beings. I know my mom is disappointed in me. Only out of my brothers im the only who s left home to live on his own…the other is a dead beat with a part time job and cant decide between school or work so he’s 21 having done nothing. Im not much netter though. The little 8 year old will hopefully do somethig in life but my mother predicts he’ll be a failure like hos older brothers.

On a side note. I honestly feel that it doesnt matter what kind of school you go to. You can go to a ghetto school and still get into a great university with scholarships, or you can go to a great school and be a fucking failure like me. If anything going to that smart school with Advanced Placement and Honors classes made me full of it. I’m so ignorant and full of it because i went to that school but in all honesty I’m stupid. Well my point is that awesome that school will help you, your grades sound way better than decent. You’re 15 work on your out of school activities such as sports, clubs, ect. And when you reach high school i suggest you apply to a minimum of 3 scholarships a month. On top of that apply to the gates scholarship :3 if you win it bill gates pays all your education. Mhm, every year at my school there are 2 or more winners and theres only a handful of winners nation wide.

If it helps. I feel proud just by reading what you overcome daily and how you still manage to get good grades. I didn’t have to deal with stuff like that. My mom wasn’t around for most of my life so i just didnt care about my school performance.

suicidechick 7/8/2013 - 5:29 pm

I know how u feel. My mom has always compaired me to others and would yell at me. I have overdoesed on several occasions and once almost succeeded. I was put in a treatment center. Now that im out I cut. A lot.

killswitchon 7/8/2013 - 9:08 pm

i hate my mom with a passion. always arguing always domineering and doing whatever it took to “win” any confrontation we ever had. which was every day. just an evil person. she was just relentless. a real psycho. anyway i know how you feel to feel inadequate. not ever good enough for her. it sucks but i can relate with your story a lot. hang in there.

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