I decided on Nov 18, 2012, that I did not have 1 single happy day (or half day, or real significant moment of relief) that I would wait 365 days and if things had not improved (i.e., the happy moment), that I was done here, my work completed, and that I would just check out.
I have a great job, a nice family and all that “people strive” for – in fact, I feel selfish writing this post because I know full well that I am not hard done by…. but I lost the one. Not only did I lose her, but I made it happen, it took me months to realize what a fool I was… and I have tried every angle to first, get her back… no luck, then find some closure… no luck, then simply come to a common agreement about being friends later in life… nothing.
Not only does she not speak with me – and I did all the breakup work… haha, congrats to me – but she still blames me 100% for her disfunction… as does her family, friends and even my family and friends.
I walk around each day with guilt, remorse, and general disguise for myself for having “destroyed’ this beautiful soul – without ever having the slightest idea of what I was doing wrong. I can’t get a nice girl’s phone number, and the ones that like spending time with me are completely off their rocker… not to throw stones…
So as November 18, 2013 approaches quicker than I thought it would, I am not scared, or worried about the actual event/day… I am just concerned that maybe Nov 19, 2013 will be the day that I finally run in to a girl that makes my last 14 months of hell seem like they were worth it. I have lost jobs, most friends, my family, almost every cent I ever saved… and more importantly my dignity, my  self-confidence, and at the very core my soul. My soon to be born nephew is likely going to pass and all I can wonder is “why” and “seriously, what is the f’cking point”. I have seen so many doctors and filled myself with so many new “ideas” and “substances” that a day without some elderly-person’s medical regime would be a welcome event.
I don’t really care what else is left to see out there. I spend 30 years of my life wandering around wondering what the point was, I had 2 years of knowing what the point was, and now I have had 14 months of knowing there is one great person who liked/loved me but now hates me more than anyone could ever muster such anger… and I have contacted her 4 times in 14 months… the most recent being 2 weeks ago when she literally would not answer a call or email. Seriously, I envy those who have found love, god, a purpose, or are just too ignorant of self involved to see the sickness of this world.
I know that “I am the odd one out” but it doesn’t change the fact that my brain thinks you are  all (or the general public) is just hiding from reality. I have tried every trick in the book, and then another 50 tricks or states of being, or life approaches never normally discussed in books… just for a hint that there is hope. But each day is slightly worse than the one before and Nov 18th seems like as good a day as any. I am on this site waiting, in fact, for some words that I have not already read… and the “you have so much to live for” is rational to the healthy or optimistic out there… but this brain just seen things through a grey scale of dirk, greed and selfishness. If I had never known true commitment, love and connection, then I would happily be working, jogging and finding exciting girls to spend my time with. But I know. I know the feeling of true belonging and without it… the rest is just background noise until the day we fall over naturally.
I’m done waiting. My day of reckoning is fast approaching and the Japanese fashion of checking out seems like a man enough way to call it quits in as honourable of a way as that can occur. If I can endure a full year of misery and the pain and peace of mind that this will take… then maybe it is just for the best.
It has been a true pleasure world. You gave me tons of laughs, lots of love/sex and unforgettable times… but I am not willing/ready/ or even content to go at the rest of the whole deal without a partner… and the rest of them just seem to be missing the least attractive part of the old one – nothing is close to even being measured on the same scale. When you sent her to me, I was convinced that you were finally looking out for us… and you knew that I needed some kind of angel… but that way that you (or me… or you let me) let her go in such and ugly fashion… well I just don’t think you have many of our best interests in mind… or !!!! and yeah I said, you aren’t up there?!? Well at least I will figure this all out in Nov. Until then, don’t let go of the special ones… no matter what doubts you have… and  give yourself 1 full year from the moment of reckoning… at least you can say that you say a full winter, spring and summer and still said “i’m out”
Good luck, and good-speed. I hope most/all of you read this and think twice about dojo-ing yourself…. and I would love to know that one single person held on to that special one – in doubt – because they thought about how devastating it can be to lose it all out of sheer carelessness…
Take care all, and I will check in again this fall to see if anyone can come up with anything non-cliche… I have heard enough of “you have so much to live for, etc.) that it just honestly makes me sick these days. Sorry for the downer msg… stay frosty
Love, notalwayshapppy. Be well to yourself and never let your guard down. This whole topic is one sneaky adversary?
4 comments
You are not the person that screwed her up.. you are A person that screwed her up..
she is the other person that did it.. (and maybe her friends/family helped..)
when a relationship goes wrong it’s always two people.. one can definitely have more blame than the other, but it’s always both..
for example: one person does something, then the other person takes it a certain way.. they have the ability to choose how to take it
there is too much to write on that subject.. but we are humans, so we assume things and fuck things up..
her family and friends will ALWAYS blame the other party(in this case you)..
so the fault will ALWAYS be yours in their minds..
why? because of society mainly.. women are viewed as to be protected, weak, not capable of holding responsibility, etc.. so people jump to their side..
(easy example: in court battles, women always have the upper hand because people feel sorry for them.. even when they kill someone.. )
(it’s very strange but true)
I’m not against women and I don’t believe any of those things.. but society and
people are stupid and easily manipulated into believing stuff like that
you can’t go with those thoughts.. don’t take all the responsibility for her state on yourself.. unless you did something horrible to her like rape or mental abuse..
(like saying she’s ugly and fat all the time or something.. that would be abusive)
only take responsibility for YOUR actions.. not how she took those actions
please think about the whole situation more clearly..
you can kill yourself, but I of course wouldn’t want you to do that..
but if you do kill yourself, only do it for yourself, not anything to do with her..
or her situation
tell me the story man. how did you mess her up? im interested in why you feel that you’re the one to blame here…
Lotta truth in what shadowclone said. It does no good to beat yourself up over the past. None of us are perfect – we ALL make mistakes, and plenty big ones at that! You learn from it and move on, trying not to make similar mistakes.
You cannot look to another person to make you happy. That’s too much to put on anybody. And so the same goes, you can’t be fully to blame for everything wrong in her life – no matter what everyone says. You must find peace with yourself and THEN you will be ready to take on a relationship. And you will have so much more to give the true love of your life.
Notalwayshappy, I have seen more than one person ready to give up – when BAM! They meet someone wonderful – way better for them than the one they thought was perfect. It can happen for you, but please don’t set time limits.
If you’d like to read my story, please visit DivineRedRiver.com
God bless you
I’m tempted to compare my story to yours but perhaps that’s a bit self-involved. I’ll just say I don’t read a lot of posts on here, but yours drew me in because I had a one-year countdown too. The one-year mark is this month and part of me resents that my circumstances will not “allow” me to go yet (technically I still could, but I’m not enough of an asshole to do it while things are the way they are now)… but, I do feel like I am strong enough to at least continue existing as this human-shaped shell a while longer. In my mind, my life ended almost a year ago.
Generally speaking, I do think now that having a countdown is counterproductive (counterintuitive?) for someone who is supposedly giving life X amount of time to make them happy. It would make more sense to throw yourself into things and try everyone’s suggestions and not give in to the temptation to plan your own death. I can’t do this though. I can put off the planning, but I have to have some sort of countdown in my head — now I’m thinking “I only have to make it until January” – because that would be the next “convenient” time, if there is such a thing – and just the thought gives me comfort. “You can always kill yourself later” – yep, in many cases that’s true. But just having the thought is keeping me in my cage somewhat. Which is fine. It’s what I want now, since I can’t have what I REALLY want.
I don’t know if I’m making sense here. Or if you’re even going to read this before the fall (wasn’t sure if that’s what you meant by that last comment?) Thinking back to how I was a few months ago… yes, things CAN change, little by little… truthfully it may take longer than a year. I’m still waiting for a big “aha!” moment that will turn everything around for me one way or the other… push me irrevocably towards life or towards death… but my therapist says that’s not how it works, and I can simply decide that I want to change things. I know where she’s coming from with that, but I CAN’T just make things how I want them. Just like you can’t magically go back and fix things with your girl. If only we could. Maybe if we stick around long enough someone will invent a time machine?