Trying

I’m not sure why I’m still here. My attempts at suicide are failures and it’s starting to make me think about more effective attempts. But I want to stay. I want to see my future. I just want out of the present. I feel numb, tired, and weak. I go through the days avoiding people and just trying to find ways to make each day go by. I feel broke down inside. I’m  still in high school and living with my parents. I’m gay but don’t know how to tell them. I had a gay friend over once, my dad told me not to talk to him anymore because he’s going to hell. So now I’m even more scared to come out to my family. My mom used to be there for me but now she just does what ever my dad says and asks his permission on everything. I make the days pass by painting, listening to Lana Del Rey, and watching Rupaul’s Drag Race. Drag queens are amazing because I feel like they’ve been through what I’m dealing with right now. I have a feeling that my family will disown me and kick me out if I were to come out. The things my father says to me everyday get worse and worse every day. I just want to make him happy and get his acceptance. I’m never enough though. So I try to make other people happy. I put on my smile and I’m there when they need me. But I don’t have anyone to go to when I need help. I’m Scared for school to start because I’m not sure who my friends will be. But maybe I’ll just make some people laugh or meet some freshman to talk to. I just want to fall asleep and never wake up again. That’s my biggest wish.  But I can’t. I want to grow up and inspire people. So for now I’m just trying, and hoping one day it’s not as hard.