forced to be social

The nature of my job requires me to be somewhat social.  This is quite a contradiction in the sense that when my anxiety and depression are at their highest, my desire — and ability — to be social is at the lowest.  I spent most of the day today at a family reunion.  It was totally exhausting being social for so long.  Today it’s back to work after too short of a summer, facing what already suggests will be a long, long school year.  This week will be hard because I will be forced to be social with my co-workers, repeatedly, over and over, through endless district and building meetings, in-services and such.  It makes me tired to just think about it.

I have an appointment tonight with my therapist.  I know what he wants to hear.  After 20+ years of this, I know the drill.  I know what a suicide assessment interview sounds like, and I know when one’s being done with me.  I know he wants to hear that the thoughts of suicide are gone.  That would not be true.  I am worried about this school year.  I have not started the year like this in many, many years.  I feel trapped in a life that limits my ‘freedom’ to act out.  Like I’ve said before, I don’t act out in the various ways I used to because I can’t risk ruining the ‘normalcy’ and ‘stability’ that I’ve developed.  I have my child to think about.  But, even though I can’t act on them, the urge to cut is there; the urge to drink wildly is there; the urge to just ‘go crazy’, to lose myself in insanity is there always.

I need to sleep; there is no napping today. I hate insomnia…