Self Hatred.

all of my “friends” couldn’t care about me and recently i’m realizing that. i lost one of my “closest” friends last thursday because he called me a self-centered b**** and claimed he’d been there for me through everything and i hadn’t given a f*** about him once and never did for anybody. for once, i actually stood up for myself and told him that he was wrong and that sparked things. now we’re not talking.

i miss days from school a lot too and not once has anyone asked in the past few months where i’d been or if i was alright. they don’t even care. i always have to be the first to start conversations, be the first to go over to someone and be the first to do anything or else they just don’t make the effort and that bothers me. i feel like if i stopped making the effort first, not turning up to school and being more quiet they wouldn’t even care/notice.

when i really think about it, it’s been like that for quite a long time. i just feel like i’ve got a really boring, pathetic personality. i’m not overly-outgoing, i’m not really funny, i’m not good at speaking with people, i don’t know what to say half the time, i’m not loaded with interesting facts/things to say, i’m just boring. i’m quiet unless i’m around my friends, i’m scared of confrontation, i’m a push-over, i’m too caring and i put too much belief and love in people who really don’t care. i try so hard to be a good person and to help people and listen to what people have to say but it always comes and hits me back in the face. i don’t know why i have such shitty friends and i don’t know why little shitty things keep happening because i try so fucking hard to be a good person that people can always fall back on when everything else leaves them. i am constantly trying to help other people, trying to solve their issues for them or being someone they can rant to and all i seem to get back for it is nothing. it’s not that i want anything back, i really don’t. i just wish that people would be a little grateful for how much i listen and how much i let them walk all over me and not turn their back on me and ignore me when they don’t need me anymore.

i’ve always tried to make other peoples lives better even if that means mine is made worse and i feel like i should try and change that but i don’t know how or if i could. when i try to stand up for myself or be aggressive i beat myself up for days afterwards because it just feels so wrong. i’m naturally just a nice person and i know that should be a good thing but i really hate it and i wish that i could be a bit more confident in myself and more able to stand up for myself. the massive downfall with being an overcaring person as well is whenever you hurt someone you love even a little bit, your whole world just shatters and it’s affects you for days and it’s the most painful thing. i just hate myself so much, ahaha.