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Someone PLEASE help!! Please help me…

by fractal_death

Hello, kind and compassionate people.  I am speaking to you.  If you are someone who is just going to tell me, “No, don’t do it…” or “Jesus/God/Allah loves you and wants you to live…” blah blah blah, then I am NOT speaking to you.

I genuinely want to die.  I have wanted it since the age of 12 when I tried to stick a chef’s knife in my gut thinking that would do it.  I tried again at 19 by ingesting a bunch of sleeping pills.  I am 39 now and my situation is much worse.  I have chronic pain in my back and neck from renovation work I did a few years ago.  It has become so severe that I can no longer sleep in a bed and I haven’t had a peaceful sleep since 2008.  I also have bipolar disorder type I for which I have been hospitalized and have tried every drug under the sun with no results.  I really can’t take it anymore.  I live in the states and have no criminal record so getting a shotgun won’t be a problem.  I read a study on the internet that listed the most effective methods and shotgun to the head was #1 at 99%.  Of course, there is always that 1%, I guess, which scares the sh*t out of me.  Every other method seems much, much less effective (except cyanide, but that is very hard to obtain) including overdosing.  The drugs that are effective are very hard, if not impossible, to get nowadays (********, Seconal).  I am really at the end and I have considered this not for 1 month, 6 months, a year, two years but probably for the last 20 years.  I am set on it.  I would prefer my family not to find me with my head blown off but I just don’t know another effective method.

Due to my mental illness and now physical pain which has become so bad I can’t work, I am quickly running out of my savings – I have about $1100 left in the bank and that is it.  My family sympathizes but won’t help me out financially anymore though they have money.  Plus I haven’t been able to sleep peacefully for over 5 years now and that may be the worst part of it.  People don’t realize how important and vital sleep is to both mental and physical health until they no longer have it.  Like another person who commented, I have done everything I wanted to in life – I went to a top 10 university and obtained a BA and MA, I’ve traveled the world (everywhere except Australia), I’ve been in love, I’ve written 2 books and made a couple of films, and though I have struggled financially and am quickly running out of money, I grew up in an upper-middle class family with many privileges and nice things (not that this matters – it’s just something I’ve had and experienced so it isn’t something left to obtain).  Most importantly I’ve had great friends and family.  I’ve had all of this and now at 39 I am ready to leave this life and planet behind and I want the most effective and peaceful way to go.  I’ve ruled out so many methods from all the bad stories I’ve heard from others.  I know, of course, that there are bad stories with the use of guns but they seem to be the most effective.  I think I am still open to pills (my sister committed suicide in 1994 by overdosing on Imipramine but even after all the research I am still very unsure of which pills and how to get them.  I mentioned the ******** and Seconal but I know it is very, very hard to get those in the US.  Benzodiazipines mixed with alcohol are another option, I guess.  I also wanted to ask your opinions about the exit bags using Helium.  First, what do you think about this method?  And where can one in the US obtain the necessary materials?  Any information would be greatly, greatly appreciated.

As I said before, if you are going to try and talk me out of it, please don’t bother.  I don’t hate you people, I just don’t think you understand how severe it is for people like me.  Thanks for your concern anyway and I apologize if my tone earlier was harsh.  You try not sleeping peacefully for 5 years and then get back me to me, ha ha.  For those of you who are offering sincere advice and information, thank you very, very much.  I am running out of time and I will check back often over the next few days.  It is a great act of courage and understanding and sympathy and compassion to help a person end his or her pain, especially when doing so runs contrary to society’s distorted rules.  I thank all of you for reading this and taking the time to help a person you don’t know who may be on the other side of the world but is nonetheless a fellow human being undergoing tremendous suffering.  I would say, “God Bless,” but I don’t believe in that anymore…but you get the point.  Take care and please respond soon because I am running out of financial resources.


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Duke of Marmalade 8/1/2013 - 9:32 pm

Can you claim incapacity benefit or it’s equivalent?

fractal_death 8/1/2013 - 10:07 pm


Thank you for your response. No, I have tried. Very difficult in America. Not enough work credits earned for disability and I was denied SSI. And I don’t know about other countries, but people in America on benefits just barely get by. Many don’t even get by. I knew a guy on welfare and he had to keep selling his possessions one by one until he was left with nothing to sell…then he killed himself. But I don’t even care about benefits. I just want to end my life. If you have any other advice or info, I would appreciate it. Thanks again for being kind enough to respond. Take care.

Duke of Marmalade 8/1/2013 - 10:14 pm

Not being able to support yourself is demoralising. Consider whether there are any jobs that are less physically demanding that you could do.

PainNlife 8/1/2013 - 11:01 pm

I don’t know about the helium bag…people say it is unreliable if anything is messed up and has a large margin for error If you don’t follow the steps precisely. If you want to find out more about it you could buy the peaceful pill handbook or final exit….five last acts also have painless ways of exiting as well… Whatever you decide I hope you discover the peace you seek one way or another.

Lock4636 10/11/2013 - 8:53 pm

i relate to everything you have said. and want the same thing. but I am a christian and look forward to meeting up with Jesus when he calls me.

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