What Have I Become?

Strength. Courage. Love. Happiness.

I thought I was strong, but these past few days have shown me otherwise. I’ve slowly been changing each and every day…and not for the better.

A few years ago, I used to be suicidal. I would only wake up in the mornings to think about death, cutting, and hatred. I hated the world around me and it hated me back. I had accepted that. I got no support from friends or family surrounding me so I had learned to depend on only myself. It took a few years, but I was able to get past all this. I had finally believed that I was genuinely happy and that I wouldn’t go back to those dark ways. Well, guess I’ve regressed back to how I was 4 years ago…

This year was awful for me. Probably terrible for everyone on here as well, but I can say without a doubt that it’s the worst year I’ve experienced in my life span of 18 years. I started off this year with my best friend betraying me, and I almost took my life because of all the damage that she’s created. In April, I had finally gotten into my first relationship that I’ve been wanting for so long, but the guy turned out to be the worst type of human being alive. He cheated on me, left me for another girl (only to be rejected and come crawling back to me) and like an idiot, I took him back (only to have him do the same shit to me again) but this time, he was able to leave me for good. I become friends with his now ex girlfriend and I’ve learned that every bad thing he did to me, he did to her. I’ve also learned that he’s been going around telling people that I cheated on him when I never have. Normally I wouldn’t care, but I got so attached to him because he was my first boyfriend, and I had really believed that I finally found someone that loved me. Well, I was wrong.

Like everyone on here, my self-esteem is shit. I really don’t believe it when people tell me “you’re beautiful” because I just don’t see it myself. It also doesn’t help when my parents blame the fact that my boyfriend had left me for another girl because I’m overweight and she was “prettier” and “skinnier” than me. Oh, but then again, my parents blame everything on my weight. I also firmly believe in karma and I believe that all these terrible things that happen to me is a result of me being a terrible person. I really do believe that I’m a horrible person because of all these bad things keep happening to me which, in return, causes me to self-harm.

I used to cut myself four years ago, but it wasn’t my wrists that I would cut, it was the top of my forearm, right underneath my hand. Of course I got caught and after going through a bunch of shit with my parents, I had “promised” that I wouldn’t cut myself ever again. Note how I put that in parenthesis…that’s because I would continue to self-harm, but I found different ways besides cutting. On the tennis court, I would smash my racquet into my legs to create bruises as a way to punish myself for not performing as well as I should have, but my main method would be to scratch my hands. I only really scratch my left hand (even though I’m left handed) but my right hand always seems to have the longer, sharper nails. I can get away from scratching because I can make it seem like it was an accident, but last night it wasn’t enough.

I had found this razor amongst my art supplies and for the first time in 4 years, I began to cut. I decided to cut on my thighs because it’s too obvious on my wrists, but I was almost caught today. Today my family insisted on going to the beach, but luckily everyone got into an argument with one another and the beach plan was canceled. Thankfully, I was able to get away with it today, but this still didn’t stop me from cutting again today…

I really don’t know why I’ve regressed back to being this way…I feel as if I’ve lost everything. Although I should be happy and I really have no excuse to feel this way, I still feel like absolute shit. I feel sort of numb in a way. I feel as though there isn’t any point in doing anything anymore. Although I won’t be committing suicide any time soon (or at all hopefully), I still feel terribly alone and afraid. I can’t talk to any of my friends about this. I only really talk to 2 specific people about how I feel because they truly understand me. 1 of them I met on this website and we’ve been emailing each other everyday since my last post, and the other moved to Germany and he basically goes through the same shit I do and feels the exact same way as me, so he helps me a lot. You’d think that by having this support I would be fine right? Wrong. Because of the 5-6 hour time zone difference between us, they’re always asleep whenever I need them most…like now. I can’t be selfish and expect them to always help me, which is why I mostly try to help them instead of focusing the conversation onto me, but sometimes, I wish I had someone here with me to hug me and comfort me when I mostly need it.

I think I might just be posting this note because I want to get my feelings out, but thank you to anybody that took the time out of their day to read this.