Break up.

I feel like I’m about to break up, it’s just too much in my head. I wanna die and leave, fast. Please.

I’ve been away from SP for a long time and I deleted all my posts the last time I was around a long time ago and decided to be strong and not think about sucide. I’ve been strong and managed to stay strong although life throws increasingly amounts of shit at me. Last month before the new year I went out with my old time friends, yes, I had even managed to talk again to my friends and make new ones. Things were hooking up, a friend said some random shit that really offended me about me having to spend money on college and stuff while he got everything for free (Little trivia: i’m one of those kids who started working at a young age and got messed up).

This same day I attempted the exit bag. I miscalculated something, I didn’t seal it properly, I was getting poisoned from a butane/propane canister but after 1 minute or so I took it off because I was scared of surviving with brain damage. I didn’t have the balls to leave. This same day I went to work. I’ve been undergoing training at a god damned school since november last year, I even missed job interviews, had to quit a language course and a martial art course that were really beneficial to my mental and physical health in order to attend to their stupid training. Today, while I was enjoying myself at the mall and tryna get awayl from my everyday routine my “boss” called me saying they still don’t know whether or not they are hiring me.

I’m not getting into detail about how many times I’ve been humiliated in my pathetic life, a family member just recently tried to stab me to death after they told me a lot of shit and I was honestly just defending myself. I’ve been at this place undergoing teacher training and I even taught some classes, I’m way better than a lot of their experienced staff, they even reckon that, I know so much about the subject that they say I’m flawless and hold me as a standard whenever they need to consult someone regarding the subject (it’s a stupid language school btw). And now that woman calls me telling me they still don’t know whether or not I have what it takes “methodology wise” to be one of their “qualified staff”. Because they have experience and I don’t. Ok, fuck this shit, why would you throw such compliments at me such as saying I’m flawless at the subject, telling me the classes I gave were awesome and brilliant, that “I’m great as a person” and give me this bullshit?

Oh, I’m not good enough I guess. Just as when I failed at taking my driver’s license because my instructor would only talk about his life instead of actually.. ya know, telling me what to do to pass the test. I had to guess what I was supposed to do at the time. I lost a lot of money, I have to go to “work” on foot, I have to get fucked up and humiliated every single day of my life, no matter how brilliant I am at what I do and I can’t even entitle myself as fucking employed at a fucking school with a retarded salary, because, ya know, some of their staff have “experience”, although they say a lot of crap, do everything that’s inappropriate.. ahhh I’m so tired……………………… I’m tired of ranting, whining and griping about it. Someone please.. someone with a gun, a real one, put some bullets inside my head.

It’s all I ask you world, put some grains of lead inside my skull, I need a touch inside the head. Because I’m a chicken-wuss who can’t commit suicide with fucking propane, I can’t fucking die. I want to die, let me die, I hate this world, I hate what life is. I have absolutely no one to talk to atm, I’ll have to sleep and cope with this shit and be there tomorrow to be tested once again. I’m sick. No, talking to the doc is beyond useless at this time, therapy never worked for me.

Please, let me leave……there’s no god out there, when I was close to death the only thing I heard was my voice echoing. The heavens are empty, I don’t want salvation, I want freedom.