Do you get that?
Because you think everything is “boring and a waste of time.” Â You can’t actually believe it… it must be an excuse to justify you doing nothing to change your life and start living on your own terms.
They know nothing of how hard exactly you’ve worked to change it and they assume that it is indeed possible to change. Â Knowing nothing about you, this is the pure assumption they cling to to discredit how you really feel. Â That it must be impossible for someone to take no pleasure in doing anything and find that the mere act of existing is the waste of time (not to mention that, technically, everything IS a waste of time. including living).
And you can’t be serious about getting better if you’re able to see the truth.
Anhedonia doesn’t even equate to not wanting to try; it’s the utter pointlessness of even trying in the first place because everything you’ve ever tried has never been good enough that is it. Â And whatever bleak future sits at the end of “trying” is surely not worth a damn because living itself is a waste of time.
But it must be your fault. Â You must have not tried hard enough. Â You must have made excuses. Â You must not have been positive enough. Â Not serious enough. Â Didn’t want it enough. Â Society has a million excuses like that. Â Death cannot be a rational choice, they say.
Is it so wrong to want it to end? Â To break open this trap? Â Death, it seems, is an improvement to scraping along in ignominy for many years feeling pain and loneliness.
I cannot change what life has made me.
4 comments
“…the mere act of existing is the waste of time (not to mention that, technically, everything IS a waste of time. including living).”
I think can understand what sense of the word ‘waste’ you were meaning when you wrote this particular part. Everything takes up time, of course, but in the grand scheme of things – who is to judge what “matters” or is “worthwhile” in your life’s time? Nobody but you, that’s who. I think it is for each individual’s own mind to decide if they want to use his or her’s life’s time to dedicate to whatever they want. Live your own time – conforming to the PC, cookie cut build of society isn’t for everyone. If it is ‘your’ fault in somebody else’s eyes because you struggle to deal with what brings you to visit Suicides door, so be it. It doesn’t have to be your fault if you’ve be honest to yourself, that’s what matters.
Society this, society that, fuck hit society with a baseball bat. If you’ve given an honest effort and hold scars that nobody will truly ever fathom 1/10th the pain those scars carry, then you’ve wasted nothing and it is not your fault. But to continue on is a choice only you have the right of holding.
I agree with that.
They couldn’t understand why I can’t change things, that I actually do try and I fail. But that’s the attitude everyone seems to adapt… if you’re not succeeding, you’re failing because of you, you, you. Not positive enough, not working hard enough, blah blah blah.
Stupid society. I want to choose now not to continue. Only my mom would really care, and that’s why the choice is out of my hands. I don’t know how I’m going to answer these questions for the time being. It’s a futile endeavor. No part of the future shows even a partial glimmer, even if I let my imagination make it as bright as I can possibly make it.
Thanks for responding.
“If you’re not succeeding, you’re failing because of you, you, you. Not positive enough, not working hard enough, blah blah blah.” <- i relate to that, since i hear it at all times lately… what i find odd is that they can't believe that you try with all your strength and still fail and just blame it on you not trying hard enough (even if they do see you trying).
And yet at the same time they believe that some impossible solution or recovery (as in a miracle) might occur out of nowhere if you continue going "just in case"? that is just funny.
Yeah, you just can’t win in this world.
Is it so impossible to believe that some things won’t be overcome? Or that life simply isn’t that great? These are the same people that adhere to “keep trying, don’t be selfish, don’t give up, it might get better” and are nowhere to be found in support…
I guess without having a fall guy, they’ve got nothing to say. All the positivity punch taken out of them.