Keep cutting but its not enough

I have deep depression. I fought it for years. then my meds wearing down without me realizing. was going suicidal before I…the only word I can think of is “forced:-I forced myself to confide in my parents…

from there I eventually started looking for support-in a few very close friends, in my siblings. I got aggressive in making the hurt and sadness disappear.

this isn’t the point and I don’t want to get sidetracked.

the point is im sick of it. just sick. revolted. tired. world weary.

eventually my supporters took my happier demeanor for granted. I was looking for more responsibility and was up and about more-but it was at my own pace (and G-d as my witness it was and is very painful to push against the sad)

im trapped again. last time-my first bout of depression-over 10yrs ago, I stayed in my room for a year. I didn’t trust anyone-and rightly so. opening ur heart opens u to hurt. what if they hurt you?

this time I forced myself to open my heart. this time was going to be different.

so many hurts. I feel violated. im being vague about specific incidents because im still sorting through my feelings.

I started cutting as a literal last ditch effort to not kill myself. not because I want to live. more like theres a stubborn part of me that finds it too cliché to simple.

now I cut for the dame reason. for the release. but…what happens when the pain is too much? I think you know what I mean. the hurt on my arm is nothing compared to what im feeling.

I made myself stop because I understood that I may end up killing myself.

it just hurts so much.

I refuse to be sad anymore. to feel lonely. im cutting off my feelings… but I feel like a river of ice. its frozen and unfeeling but underneath theres a roiling mass of moving painful water

I don’t know what ill do . or when ill break. I don’t even know why im writing this anymore.