Hi, this is my first post on SP. I don’t want to live in this hell anymore. I am a 40 year old man who has been battling addiction/depression for more than 20yr’s now. I have never been able to put more than 3 months of sobriety together in a row. My addiction/depression has progressed over the years and has left me with nothing but the cloths on my back and the contents of my backpack. I’ve been homeless for about 2 1/2 years now, some of it on the streets, the hospital or homeless shelters. I have made 5 suicide attempts in the last year, all bye overdose which has only landed me in the ER and the psych unit. It’s been 4 months since my last SI attempt and have been sober since I got out the hospital. Living in a shelter now and going to 12 step meetings, 130days sober a record for me. I see a therapist once a week, I’m on antidepressants and have done ECT treatments because none of the antidepressants I’ve been on have worked for me.
I am still super depressed and I want to use soo bad to numb it all away. I am so lonely, hopeless, helpless and worthless. Everything I try to do goes too shit, no matter how little of a task. I think I got some brain damage from my SI attempts? Anyway It’s winter here now but I’ve been getting the thoughts just to say “FUCK IT”, go into the city and be homeless on the streets again and try suicide again but this time I want to be sure to succeed. I know overdose will not work….any Idea’s?
9 comments
Jefkoop, first I shall say, welcome! I understand the weight of the circumstances that have brought you here. I don’t know you yet, but I have a difficult time believing you are worthless. I am here to listen if you want to share more. Captainsquirrel123 at gmail
Im sorry Jefkoop. Im sorry these are the circumstance you must live with. Its unfair.
I wish I can help you. I wish I can make your life so much better and help you find meaning.
I sorry if I am at a lost for words… your situations bothers me a great deal……
I support you in any decision that brings you peace and happiness. Im sorry it has came down to this.
People on here will care and support you the best we could.
Please take my friend’s OnlyLoveisReal offer. Im sure he can help you better than I can. I will try but im… lost. Forgive me.
Brother, I can imagine how bad you feel, I am 47, but suffer in a different way. What I can say is that you are a strong guy in that you have survived and coped as you have. You have those like us who care. I know I do. It might only be the internet, but I also pray for you, that God heals you, gives you peace.
Turn to Jesus, accept Him as your Savior, ask him to give you peace in your heart and help you with the struggles of your addictions.
God is closests to people who suffer, He is always with you, and will always be, so you are NEVER alone.
God saved me when I tried to end it, and He wants you here too as much as He does all of us.
We don’;t know why we suffer, but we do, and the only true answer IS God.
Come chat with us too when you can. I care. 🙂
I’m really sorry about everything you’ve gone through… sounds like a hell on earth to be honest, i would have broke a long time ago with some of the situations you describe… i won’t tell you what to do, but i do have to tell you, you have some amazing strength and will… i really hope things improve for you (even if they seems impossible), as for ideas … i don’t know, you already know overdose is not reliable so i wouldn’t go that way again…
Hi OnlyLOVEisReaL, Thanks for the welcome. Your right maybe I’m not worthless but I sure feel that way. I was a productive member of society for a long time despite my Problems. Then my problems got the better of me and I have not had success fighting them anymore. Anyway I would like to email you sometime, it’s nice to know people care.
Hi The Koji. Thanks for the caring and support. You say your lost about helping me, I feel lost as well so don’t feel bad.
Hi MrBaDGUY, Thanks for the prayers and advice. I have never been able to connect with GOD or a higher power, maybe I am doing something wrong. Also why would a loving GOD put us through so much pain? I don’t know….I wish I could connect with my spirituality. I’ve been told bye doctors that I should have died a few times SO MAYBE THERE IS SOMETHING to this GOD. Anyway I hope to chat with you sometime.
Hello Keief, Thanks for the support and understanding of my situation. Not sure how much strength I have, I really tried suicide because I was to week to go on. For some reason “GOD” didn’t want me. Peace my friend.
Of course jefkoop. Write anytime you want. There are many others here that very supportive and have
great insight.