I wanted to come here for a repost, as if once was not enough.
I’m a middle aged woman (55) whose life was wrecked by a cancer diagnosis followed by a divorce. Combo hit hard. Back then, I was tearful and melodramatic, and wrote a tearful and melodramatic post. Happily, that’s over. That is a distinct plus.
Another plus: I’ve lost my faith. I no longer believe in a life after death, and that’s a very freeing thing.
I have, I believe, been a good mother to my kids who are pretty happy, pretty well adjusted, and pretty clueless. This is a major plus 🙂
Meanwhile, I’m as suicidal as I was before lol, so I guess some things have stayed the same. Realistically, I have nothing to hope for, and nothing to look forward to. Around three years ago, I decided that I would end it after my youngest entered her junior year in college. Three years later, that still looks to be an excellent idea. Also, by that time my mother, whom I’m taking care of, should be dead, no longer a responsibility.
Here is the contract I’m putting out on myself, to be fulfilled by myself: In six years, I die.
Masochism is not a virtue.
5 comments
It always bothers me to see those wanting to end it when they have kids.
Don’t you know what it would do to them?
If I were to ever lose my mother I would become a suicidal mess 24/7. Whether or not you and your children have a good relationship, leaving them could destroy them forever just as much as losing one of them could hurt you. Being a 17 year old girl I can tell you that the thought of my mother not being around to see my own children some day is frightening. My Uncle killed himself leaving a daughter to find him hanging and she can’t even remember sometimes that he is dead now. 6 years is not enough time to find self worth. Talk to your children, let them in!
That’s why I’m waiting till they’re juniors in college. That’s six years.
and you think thats going to make it easier on them?
I have seen my girlfriend through some tough times with her mom. She is 57, living alone, losing quality of life because of a motor control disease. She has attempted to kill herself before, and that fact terribly frightens my girlfriend- she doesn’t want to lose her mom! We are actually both juniors in college right now, and rarely see family because of the distance. Because of savings and scholarships, she is self sufficient, but that would not make the loss of her mother any easier. I am sure that your kids would feel very, very sad, like something was taken from them, if you do kill yourself. my gf is a 4.0 student, athletic, brilliant, but even now, to lose her mother would almost certainly shake her irreparably. How is your relationship to your children?
You are in my thoughts.