Hi everyone. I am new so I will introduce myself but I’ll try to make it short. I’m a 23 year old woman who was diagnosed with depression and bi-polar at age 13 . It has been an ongoing struggle for me ever since. I frequently self-harm and have attempted suicide three times in the past. I also suffer from bouts of binge-eating and anorexia. Through the years it seems that when great things happen to me, they always end in disaster and I end up in a worse spot than i had been before that good thing happened to me. And each time it gets harder and harder for me to get back up. So…I guess that’s why I’m here.
I’m still wanting to die. Nothing really gets better. And when it does, it’s only for a short while. I know I shouldn’t complain, because there are tons and tons more people out there who have it worse than me, but the mental anguish that I ( and probably all of you on here) suffer for whatever reasons, is something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.
Right now, my life is in shambles…but it’s typical. My grandfather just passed away, my (now ex) fiancé and I broke off our engagement. Our relationship, which was the best thing that ever happened to me in my life, ended horribly….I have a shit job, no money to pay bills, and no direction in life.I know this is a horrible thing to wish for…but honestly I hope I get sick. Like, terminally sick. I pray for it to happen every day. I’m just so tired and miserable, I don’t want to be here anymore. I’m done. I can’t kill myself because I love my family and I could never betray them like that…but I want to die so bad. I’ve made too many mistakes that will never be able to be fixed and I just can’t live with them anymore, knowing I fucked my whole life up. What’s the point of living if all you do is suffer in emotional and mental torment? Whats the point of life if all you do is slave away to try and pay bills, make ends meet, do nothing but struggle from the time you wake up in the morning until the time you go to sleep at night? There is no point to life if thats all you’re living for. I know that there are times in your life that are supposed to be difficult….but its not supposed to be like that 99.9% of the time. Well that’s the way it is for me and thats why I see absolutely no purpose for my life. There is nothing but pain in my life….and i am tired of living this way. I just want to get sick and die. Or hopefully maybe even quicker in an accident. So that way my family won’t hate me forever, but I’ll also get my wish to fucking leave this place for good.
9 comments
“Whats the point of life if all you do is slave away to try and pay bills, make ends meet, do nothing but struggle from the time you wake up in the morning until the time you go to sleep at night? There is no point to life if thats all you’re living for.”
Yeah, that’s the “carrot/stick” approach to life and it does work for most people. All they have to do is upgrade and find bigger carrots and sticks as needed. The fact that you are questioning that type of existence means you are an outside-the-box type of free thinker.
Idk if it would work for you, but have you ever considered a major change in your situation- i.e. moving far away from where you live right now?
The reason I ask is because I made a decision to find a job thousands of miles from home and it helped me immensely. In my experience, free thinkers NEED adventure and they need to challenge themselves in life and a drastic change of scenery can sometimes be just what the doctor ordered, so to speak.
wishing for terminal illness is stupid.
If anything, you should be wishing for a quick and painless insta-death. Terminal illness isn’t going to make your problems go away… it’s just going to torture you for years before you finally die.
Kids these days, i swear…
If you had read the last part of what I wrote, you would have seen that I did say, “or hopefully maybe quicker in an accident.”
People these days, I swear…
Yes, I have considered moving, it’s something I have wanted to do for years. Financially I can’t afford it at the moment, but ultimately my goal is to hopefully go somewhere else, because honestly I’ve never felt like I belonged where I am right now…
hey, let the sun shine. it will be ok im sure.
Maybe switch from wishing for death, to wishing for an opportunity to make the changes you want. But in that regard, you’ll have to focus your actions and resources on keeping yourself as healthy and undamaged as possible (and, should you ever have that opportunity, you’ll be glad you kept yourself healthy, so that you can enjoy the results of your efforts longer… before you’re too old and decrepit, or sick, to benefit from any improvements).
You’re 23 and female. You have advantages i never had or will have. Don’t waste your youth wishing for things to get better on their own. As they say: “wish in one hand, shit in the other; tell me which fills up first…”
Right now, while you’re still young, buckle down and give it your absolute best… maybe in 5 years, you’ll be where you want to be, instead of “here.”
If you think it’s bad now, you’re going to hate being like this in another 10 years, more than you can possibly imagine. Once you’re 30+ you’re going to feel like it’s too late to do anything about your situation. Start now, while you have time… while you still have a special thing called “youth,” which is almost like some kind of magic superpower. Hell, start yesterday. Start last year. Don’t risk anything you can’t afford to lose, and don’t take on anything you can’t afford to gain. “The things you own, end up owning you.” All possessions come with maintenance requirements. All relationships come with maintenance obligations. All action requires energy, which you have to sustain with nourishment, bought with the money which requires the expenditure of that same energy pool, to make. Minimize your maintenance costs, maximize your efficiency, and spend everything you can afford of what remains after work, on one step at a time to better yourself, so that you can earn more with less, so that you can afford things like moving away from what you hate, closer to what you like, which will feed into your self-maintenance ratio, and could ultimately result in a surplus… which is about as close to “freedom” as any of us will ever get.
It’s not fair, but you have to work hard to earn your freedom from the systems into which most of us are born. We didn’t get a choice in the matter, and there’s only one way out (death notwithstanding). Whatever it takes to earn more, up to and including disregarding the well-being of others. Prioritize yourself and don’t look back, and don’t let anyone dissuade or impede you.
That said… maybe you could, eventually, elaborate on these alleged mistakes you’ve made (most of us do), with which you feel you cannot live. (you’ve managed to live with them so far… might as well keep going…)
If you are in the US, I would recommend to try and find a seasonal job in a national park or somewhere in Alaska. Most employers pay for room and board and airfare to get there. It’s what I did and it really helped me out quite a bit.
The type of people that work these types of jobs tend to be free/kind spirits an fellow outside the box thinkers.
So be like Nike and just do it!
well LMF may u find the greatest happiness in life. hopefully soon
Well said Clevername. “Youth is wasted on the young”, as they say.